Dear Carolyn • It seems we are living in an era of "We must all be responsible for our own emotional/verbal reactions to things at all times, regardless of what people say or do to us," and I do agree with that, for the most part. However, I also think that mentality has its limits. I am in a serious relationship, the problems of which have been blamed almost exclusively on my "anger issues." After months of accepting this as fact and working on myself (going to therapy, etc.), I now feel my angry responses never would have occurred in the first place if my partner had even been the least bit friendly, loving, kind or interested in me. I know I’ve been verbally explosive at times, but why should I blame myself for an understandable, human reaction to someone talking to me like a dog when all I said was, "Pass the syrup"? At what point should we start calling others on their behavior and stop telling ourselves to "be responsible" for every reaction we may have, even when that reaction is perfectly justified?
Dear Angry Girl • Why did you stay with someone who wasn’t "the least bit friendly, loving, kind or interested" in you, and talked to you "like a dog"? This isn’t an exercise in snarkery or victim-blaming. It’s an opener to proving the unlimited value in being responsible for our own emotions. You describe a situation in which you were plainly mistreated, and you responded with understandable anger. That, to me, is a pretty precise picture of what happens when people do what you suggest, and call others on their bad behavior. Were your partner a better person, s/he might have responded to your anger by feeling contrite and working to be kinder. But as is common with people who mistreat others, your partner responded by blaming you and apparently gaslighting you off to therapy. By comparison, look at what happens when you take responsibility for your own feelings. By that I mean, when you respond to unwelcome feelings not by pinning them on Partner, but by examining your own choices. Maybe it would help to think of it this way: Enrage me once, shame on you; enrage me often, shame on me.
Carolyn Hax’s column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
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