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New parents find life with baby a struggle

Published August 30, 2013 1:01 am

This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2013, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • Please help; I'm desperate. My husband and I are parents to an 8-month-old son, and while we were very excited to welcome a baby, we have learned over the past eight months that parenthood is not for us. We knew we would be changing our lifestyle, but we had no idea we'd be miserable doing it. We can't talk to anyone because it's so shameful admitting this level of failure at something others do naturally. We are honest only with each other, and it is obvious that what we are doing now won't work. We can't imagine what options we have. Please, please help me look at this from a new angle and, hopefully, save my family somehow.

Md.

Dear Md. • Out of almost 12 years' worth of letters, this might be one of the most heartbreaking — and bravest. I can't tell you how many people want to hold your baby right now and not let go. But as visceral as this is, the crucial first steps are clinical ones: Get screened for postpartum depression, and do it today if your OB-GYN can fit you in. It might not explain your misery, but it's common, it wreaks havoc on mothers' ability to bond with their babies, and it can lead fathers to turn on infants for "causing" the unhappiness. While you're on the phone to the doctor's office, ask for your doctor to call you as soon as possible. Say it's urgent — do not take no for an answer. When the doctor calls, ask for two or three names of psychotherapists who work with young families. The moment you hang up, call the first one to make an appointment. If the therapist can't meet within a week, then call the next one, and so on through the list. If nothing works, call your doctor again. When you get in to see someone, tell the truth. This is the safe place to tell it. It's also the place to get new angles on your specific situation. While it's understandable that you two are honest only with each other, it's also dangerously limiting. Not everyone takes to parenthood "naturally." What's unnatural, in fact, is our society's unspoken expectation that parents tough it out alone. Don't see it as your personal failing that you need to ask for help. Don't do that to yourself, or your son. Call in the troops today.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.