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Encourage him and send him on his way
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2013, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • My 18-year-old son recently began his first relationship with a 20-year-old girl. They've been attending community college together and started as friends. He still sees his friends, although he spends the rest of his time either texting, Skyping, or spending time in person with her. They are both leaving home for different four-year universities in the fall. I was looking forward to the university further progressing his independence — new people, new activities, etc. However, their universities are within eight miles of each other and they found free shuttles between their schools. They both have anxiety in public places so I'm afraid they're just going to reinforce each other's weaknesses rather than taking advantage of the university experience. I like his girlfriend, but I am concerned about her influence over him. I'd like to have an honest conversation with him about my concerns, yet I don't want to damage our changing relationship or make him think I question his ability to handle things. Should I talk to him about this, or just wait and see what happens?

Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom • Mom wants to instruct adult son on independence. We can pause a moment to enjoy this, yes? You do question his ability to handle things, that's your whole letter, so I don't think you can discuss this without sending that message. You either admit you have doubts and why, and take your chances on damage; or keep your doubts to yourself and let him figure out what he's missing when he shuttles between campuses; or accept that shuttling between campuses is one way of "further progressing his independence" — it merely isn't the one you'd choose for him. If it helps, consider the reason you care so much about his branching out. There was a time in your life when you chose the safer, don't-branch-out route and you regret it to this day, right? I'm assuming, of course, but I'd be surprised if anyone professed not to be haunted by even one of these ghosts. As you say goodbye this fall, give it one good whack — "Hey, you've got one shot at this experience — wring everything out of it" — then trust the strength of the pull.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

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