Dear Carolyn • A dear friend just found out her brother is dying from cancer. The friend and brother are young, so this is quite a horrible surprise. The friend lives in my city. The brother is long-distance. I don't know the brother. Any ideas on how I can be of the most use to my friend as she tries to support her brother and cope with his diagnosis herself?
Helping a Friend
Dear Helping a Friend • Oh, so sad. Maybe the best thing you can do is expect and accept that she will be erratic during this time her feelings and moods will be jagged, her ability to be your friend will be all over the place. If you can be a patient, soft place for her, then you will be of enormous value. Another great thing to do is just call. If you normally talk every day, then just keep up your normal pace; you'd be surprised at how many people grow awkward and just drift away. If you normally talk once a week, call twice a week. Kick monthly up to weekly, etc. There is a bottomless supply of comfort in the knowledge that someone cares.
Dear Carolyn • What's your definition of a "soul mate"? I think I've found (one of) mine a friend of a friend. We've started hanging out and he just "gets me." I have no desire to jump into a relationship with him right now, though he'd love nothing more, but we both agree we're each other's soul mates. I don't think soul mates are necessarily romantic interests ... in fact, I would say that romance with one might prove catastrophic. He disagrees. What do you think?
Dear M. • I have no idea what a soul mate is to you, which is the only definition that matters. I do have a pretty good idea of what a red flag looks like, though, and your short question throws two: He's pushing for a faster commitment than you feel comfortable giving, and he's dismissing at least one of your arguments against an immediate declaration of happiness ever after. It could be he's just smitten and goofy, but please do be careful, and make sure he treats your need to pace yourself with complete respect even if his hyperbole gets a little out of hand.
Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.