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It may be too late to save the friendship
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2013, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • How do I break the news to my friend that I have been seeing her (recent) ex-boyfriend? I'm prepared to lose the friendship, but I want to minimize how hurt she gets, if possible. I guess I'm thinking specifically of altering the timeline, so there's more distance between when they broke up and when we started dating.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous • The first three letters of "timeline"? TMI. Oh, close enough. To be clear, you and he have already taken the action that hurts your friend, so there's no altering history to cover your backsides. There's only consideration of how much of the truth she needs, for her sake, and supplying it accordingly. What your friendship needs, meanwhile, is for her to hear it first from you (though that might spell the end regardless).

Dear Carolyn • My husband's sister conducted a two-year affair and her marriage ended. Sister blames Ex for the failure of their marriage, refuses to admit to the affair (even after moving in with her lover), stalks Ex's dates and otherwise harasses Ex, continually cancels her days with her children and disparages her own children to Ex. Because Ex has always acted like a brother to my husband, and because we want to be a source of stability for the children, we remain close to Ex. We also believe Sister's behavior indicates a need for help, but she refuses therapy. We have never disclosed her affair to anyone. I don't know if revealing some details would sound alarms to others who may also encourage her to seek help. Any advice? Ex's lawyer has all of the details, but Ex, and we, is concerned about taking any steps that would expose the details to the kids.

Balancing Defense and Blame

Dear Balancing • You use "defense" in your signature, but Sister's instability clears your name of her charges. She and the kids are far more at risk than your reputation is. Enlisting others is a good idea, to help Sister get help. The affair is but one detail of many in her public cry for help, so you can sound the alarm without it. Please also urge Ex to add a good family therapist to his roster of professionals.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

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