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Own your decisions to keep family peace
This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2012, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • Our family includes 20-plus people, most on my husband's side. For years my mother or I hosted Christmas, and my husband's mother or sister hosted Thanksgiving. Five years ago, my sister-in-law announced she was neither attending nor hosting Thanksgiving. Her family of four still attends Christmas, as does my husband's brother's family (seven people) who live across the state. My mother-in-law is now too old to host. This leaves my mother, 72, hosting the smaller gathering every Thanksgiving (inviting my mother-in-law) and me hosting every Christmas for 20-plus people. I'm having trouble with why my sister-in-law can't have us over for Thanksgiving. She doesn't work; I have a career. Her children are grown; mine are still living at home. I am happy to host Christmas, but I think she should host Thanksgiving instead of my elderly mother. I don't think absenting herself from Thanksgiving means never having to reciprocate for Christmas. Is there anything I can say to try to get her to step up? AM I being difficult?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous • No, just a bit myopic. I certainly understand your frustration. But you've essentially roasted this down to, "I'm stuck with Christmas, so stick her with Thanksgiving" — when that's treating things as compulsory that aren't, and making decisions for others that aren't yours to make. Your sister-in-law had every right to quit Thanksgiving. Before you argue that it wasn't all about her since it heaped the work onto your mom, remember: Your mom didn't have to step into the breach. I appreciate that busting a we-do-this-every-year!! tradition is sacrilege to some people. I also get your scapegoat concerns. But none of these changes the fact that your sister-in-law doesn't make you cook, you choose to. You have, perhaps reflexively, determined it's more important to keep accommodating 20-plus guests than it is to invite blame for canceling Christmas. Know this: You are just as entitled to quit Christmas as your sister-in-law was entitled to quit Thanksgiving. If you don't want to quit, then own that; don't distribute blame.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

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