Joe, Alina, Vicki and Valerie Darger were interviewed at their home on Wednesday, Sept. 21. The house was abuzz. A teenage daughter spoke gleefully about Homecoming. Sounds suggesting a piano had become the plaything for little hands rang out in an adjacent room. Boyish preparations for football practice echoed through the hallways.

How did you arrive at the decision to write the book?

Valerie • We were being defined by other people's stories. I had a different experience than what other people have had, and I felt we needed to share that.

Joe • I started doing a lot of work with Principle Voices [an educational nonprofit for polygamists], and every media request was, "Can you get us a family?" I read a book that impacted me deeply, David McCullough's John Adams. It just hit me at the right time: the sacrifices he made with his family just for freedom. We realized we've got to be more active, help people, help our culture. When Escape debuted [Carolyn Jessop's 2007 memoir about leaving a fundamentalist group], I thought, let's have Val do it and I'll still be out of it. And I encouraged her. But we realized you couldn't tell her story without telling the family story.

Valerie • It needed more than one perspective.

So the first-person approach evolved from the desire to present individualized accounts of your history together?

Alina • To give different views. Then there's an entire chapter of Valerie's, of her breakup of her first marriage. I felt it would be good for people to understand each person's thoughts and feelings and ideas.

Joe • There wasn't a male voice anywhere. And I knew I wouldn't have any credibility without the women. And then we added the children's perspective. I think it was the only way to tell the story in the end.

It seems fair to say that without the theological basis, polygamy would not exist. And yet the book de-emphasizes the religious part of it. You express how you go through various domestic routines and commonplace family concerns. Why did you choose not to discuss the religious reasoning?

Joe • Faith is very central to what we do. It's not a theological book, [but] we wanted people to understand that there's a theological underpinning to why we have all these children.

Alina • We talk about how we worship in our home. And what we use to teach our children.

Joe • We also walked a fine balance of there are things sacred to us that you can't always expect an average person to understand about your faith or what you do. I don't think there was a deliberate attempt to ignore our faith at all. For me, it's a central part of the book.

Vicki • It's a way of life for us and how we got through all these challenges and complexities.

In an ideal sense, what do you hope the book and the publicity will achieve?

Alina • I hope people reach an understanding that in any religion there are a lot of diverse things going on and more than one side to each story.

Valerie • We went to the Religion Newswriters Association conference and we met a Muslim woman. Someone like us has lived this way for hundreds of years. Someone like her, and her ancestors, has lived that way for thousands of years. I would love to read a book from their culture and their perspective.

Joe • I hope specifically there are three audiences that are impacted. The national audience that's looking at all things Mormon — "The Book of Mormon Musical," Mitt Romney and all that. From a national perspective, I hope an audience can look at things beyond Warren Jeffs. On a local level, I hope that the wider local audience can have a serious discussion about our history with polygamy without defensiveness. And the final audience is our fundamentalist culture. I truly believe if we can eliminate the stigma and the criminality element that we can really open up and institute real change that's really progressive and positive.

Alina • The way things have been handled in the past is not working for Fundamentalist Mormon communities or state agencies, so hopefully something better can evolve.

The book straddles an interesting line. You show how conventional your polygamous family is and you say you don't speak for others. At the same time, the hope seems to be that people will view polygamists in general in a more open way. I wonder if the effect can only be: "Well, it seems to work for one family, but we can't extrapolate"?

Joe • It's not to try to sugarcoat but to say: If there's one family and we truly believe we're consenting adults, we have a loving family, we're contributing to society, that alone should cause people to stop and wonder where our bias and these laws come from. And is this something that in modern society really should exist.

Val • Another hope of the book is that it will be the catalyst for more families not to necessarily be public, but just say at work "This is my wife and this is my wife" and not have to feel that it has to be hidden. And people will know that there are other families like that.

Joe • For years now, I've told people I was a polygamist and it changes how they look at things. I do a lot in the construction trade; I'm telling you there's not a house in this valley that's not touched by polygamous labor somewhere. I've gotten to know so many of these plural families, people that I didn't know. I see that change on an individual basis and that inspires hope that maybe we can make a difference.

Vicki • Not to go around and be in fear that our children will be taken from us for some reason. And not have the fears that we feel going out and being public.

Joe • When you discuss the idea of decriminalization, you relate how polygamy was changed from a misdemeanor to a felony in Utah in 1935, and that your goal is that it revert to the misdemeanor status. It may have to be a court challenge. We've got to start defining ourselves and so this is just the first step. I don't know where it all ends up. We don't want to be made to be criminals. I want it to be decriminalized. In the end, in debates, all people can do to justify their prejudice ends up being "but it's illegal."

Valerie • The book, who knows where it goes; it was the first step and we can say we stood for what we believed in.

Vicki • So, why would I even live this lifestyle knowing it's illegal, if it wasn't deeply important to me and something that was a real part of my faith? And why would we also come out in the public? If we're quiet or speak up, there's going to be ramifications. We're really trying to effect change.

What are the most persistent and jarring stereotypes that you confront?

Alina • That we are oppressed women. That the women and children are without opportunities and have no education. That there's always abuse. Also, that it's a closed society. That there's no opportunity for getting out and interacting in society.

Vicki • People either think that the man's got to be tired because he's got to have sex every night. Or that the women are there for just the sexual gratification of the man. And that it's all about power and control.

Val • Especially in New York and L.A., I've met people who think we're all Mormons with the Mormon Church, and we go to great lengths to make a distinction in the book. And even if we don't dress traditionally, people assume we follow Warren Jeffs.

One of you describes your romantic relationship as monogamous. Can you elaborate? Because it will strike people as delusional. If we're talking about polygamy, why use the word monogamy in any sense?

Vicki • We talk about love times three. We have the dynamic with all of us but there's no bedroom with all of us. And I know that if he was a monogamist, he would be a very faithful monogamist.

Joe • I'm in three different relationships, but we're monogamous in every other sense of the word. We're very traditional in every sense of the word.

Alina • So what they share in their sexual relationship stays between them and what we share in ours stays between us.

Joe • If I were to go have some kind of infidelity, it would be infidelity in three different relationships.

The viability of a large family is also something that people are concerned about. How is it possible to sustain a household with 20 or 30 people without any kind of government aid?

Alina • People know we have a large family. And a lot of our older kids have a job and contribute. We work pretty hard together.

Joe • Somebody who will take on more wives better be able to run their own business. They better be able to do something more than 9-5 punching the clock.

Vicki • We don't feel like it's ethical to just live off the system.

Alina • We work, we pay taxes into the system. If somebody needs help, that's what it's there for. It's not there to live on, it's not there to set up your life. We don't believe in that. If people need help, that's one thing.

Joe • When my father died, I was 26. He had no health insurance, no life insurance. The line for the funeral, there was 800 people, and I couldn't believe how many people were handing me envelopes. When I was done, I had thousands and thousands of dollars.And at the time his house was not quite finished. He tried to stay out of debt.But then drywall people came up and drywalled the house, no charge. We had all this labor come up and the house was finished, for his family and that was their life insurance. So that is our experience with our culture.

Do you think there's change in the air? Was that perhaps an impetus for writing the book?

Joe • There's a change. Four years ago, I don't think Mitt Romney had a chance. We have a black president. There's gay marriage that's turning the tide of public perception. There are a lot of things going on in society at large that tells me there's change in society. But the prejudices are still very real. Now I have a new batch of kids in the high school and it's just as real and hard for them. And just because we're more public with it isn't making it easier.

Essentially the basis of your argument seems to be live and let live, this works for us. So how do you approach other lifestyles that are not conventional?

Alina • For me, it comes down to, let's have the government out of our bedrooms and let's let consenting adults decide what they feel they need to do in their life.

Joe • Or to say that this isn't good for kids, you know. I used to have maybe stronger feelings about a gay couple being able to adopt. But I realized, how can I say that they can or can't raise the kids? I don't want others to say that to me.

Vicki • It's part of our theology, really. I believe I should be able to live according to my conscience and allow all men the same privilege.

Valerie • The Mormon creed: Mind your own business.

Alina • When you think about all these kids in the world that need love, what's the problem with four parents giving it to them? People can look at me and say, "Morally I don't agree with that and morally I think that's wrong." They have the choice to say that, and I also can make that judgment for myself.

rmesicek@sltrib.com