Critics list the top 10 movies of the year (as The Cricket did in today’s Tribune) because it’s fun to remember back to the great work they have seen, and relive those magic moments they witnessed on the screen.
Compiling a list of the worst movies of the year is really an act of masochism, dredging up those horrors that we have worked to forget or suppress. The exercise can be cathartic, though, and good for a laugh.
That said, here is The Cricket’s list of the 10 worst movies of 2013:
1. "Grown Ups 2" » Adam Sandler says he doesn’t make movies for critics. It’s clear he doesn’t make movies for audiences, either. He just makes movies like this plotless, jokeless mess to make himself look like the coolest guy among his comedian friends, and to flaunt his wealth and Hollywood influence.
2. "Pain & Gain" » Michael Bay tries to make a comedy, milking laughs out of a real-life crime scenario (which, in real life, included people dying) and pummelling the audience with cinematic overkill.
3. "The Hangover Part III" » Remember when we complained that "The Hangover Part II" was just a copy of the first movie? Big mistake — because being nothing like the first movie was a bad move, too.
4. "All the Boys Love Mandy Lane" » This teens-have-sex-then-die horror movie has been sitting on the shelf since 2006. Now we know why.
5. "Grudge Match" » This wheezing comedy brings together Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro to spit on their greatest achievements (respectively, "Rocky" and "Raging Bull").
6. "Getaway" » Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez, a screen pairing eagerly anticipated by nobody, muddle through an idiotic chase thriller that gives all the good lines to the car.
7. "After Earth" » An action movie in which Will Smith doesn’t move, his son Jaden can’t act, and M. Night Shyamalan can’t find a pulse.
8. "R.I.P.D." » The premise of this cops patroling the afterlife was moderately promising — back in the ‘90s, when it was called "Men in Black."
9. "Diana" » Despite Naomi Watts’ empathetic performance as the former Princess of Wales, this heavy-handed movie turns Diana’s life into the dimmest soap opera.
10. "Paranoia" » Not even the scenery-chewing battle between Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman could resuscitate this brain-dead corporate thriller or transfer any charisma to star Liam Hemsworth.
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