When we catch up with Loki in the trailer for the upcoming "Thor: The Dark World," we find him and his shaggy do in an Asgardian prison cell. No wonder — the god of mischief lived up to his name in Marvel’s "Thor" and "The Avengers," and then some, between trying to destroy alien home worlds and stabbing a beloved S.H.I.E.L.D. agent in the back. So how much time is the Asgardian prince-turned-war criminal serving for killing Phil Coulson and breaking our hearts, among you know, other stuff?
Let’s find out.
Conspiracy to commit theft • Loki conspires with Frost Giants to steal The Casket.
Attempted theft • Loki tries to steal Thor’s hammer from where it landed in the New Mexico desert.
At least 30 counts of attempted homicide and criminal mischief • Loki uses The Destroyer to attack the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and scientists outside of town before turning its fiery ray on the town’s citizens and the Asgardians.
Attempted homicide • Loki attacks Thor with The Destroyer, nearly killing him.
Kidnapping • Loki traps Heimdall in ice.
Homicide • Loki kills Laufey.
Attempted homicide • Loki again tries to kill his brother on the bridge.
Attempted genocide • Loki tries to destroy Jotunheim and kill all the Frost Giants.
Two counts of kidnapping and theft • Loki steals the Tesseract and uses his scepter to kidnap Clint Barton and Erik Selvig.
Failure to stop at the command of an officer • Loki flees with the Tesseract, despite S.H.I.E.L.D.’s attempts to stop him.
Criminal mischief • Loki’s actions cause the S.H.I.E.L.D. base to collapse.
Conspiracy to commit theft • Loki plots with Barton to steal iridium.
Three counts of aggravated assault • Loki attacks a party attendee, an old man and Steve Rogers with his scepter.
Aggravated escape, kidnapping and homicide • Loki escapes his cell on the Helicarrier, traps his brother Thor inside and kills Coulson.
Attempted homicide • Loki tries to kill his brother (again) by ejecting the jail cell while the Helicarrier is still in the air.
Criminal trespass • Loki breaks into Stark Tower.
Attempted kidnapping • Loki tries to use his scepter to kidnap Tony Stark, but to no avail.
Aggravated Assault • Loki attacks Thor again, stabbing him in his side with a knife.
I’m not sure what the statute is for opening a wormhole so an alien army can invade Earth, so we’ll let that one go. Besides, he has crime enough to keep him locked up for a good long while: for his estimated 54 crimes, Loki would be sentenced to sit in that glowing jail cell for 156.5 years, plus up to 37 life sentences.
And who knows, he may well steal and kill some more when "The Dark World" opens Thursday night.
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