Cookies, tree decorating, office parties, school parties, neighborhood gifts, getting family pictures done, Christmas cards, Christmas carols, family gift exchange and coordinating seating arrangements at family dinners so the uncle with the MAGA hat doesn’t sit next to the niece in the “I’m with her” campaign shirt.
Wait. I’m not done.
Messiah sing-alongs, choir concerts, gift shopping, gift wrapping, braving traffic on the roads and in the stores, finding the perfect sweater for the Ugly Sweater contest (one that is actually cute), making sure Santa hasn’t forgotten anyone, volunteering at the food bank and ensuring no traditions get left behind or forgotten.
Welcome to the emotional labor of the holidays.
For most families across the United States, these tasks fall to the women in the family, and they are piled on top of all of our “regular” jobs/tasks/roles. No wonder women are tired.
Emotional labor used in sociology refers to the process of managing feelings to fulfill the emotional requirements of the job. Think of the person working retail on Black Friday — tired, probably hungry, sore feet and is still expected to greet every customer with a smile. Emotional labor is generally unpaid and is expended to keep things running smoothly, whether at home or in the office.
There is another context as well, and that is those people who work in emotionally demanding caregiver roles — teachers, nurses, hospice workers, chaplains, midwives, addiction-recovery specialists, mental health therapists, social workers, first responders and others who expend significant emotional energy in their roles. Emotional burnout is a real thing and it often hits these workers the hardest.
As Christmas rolls around, the pressure to have everything “just so” can be intense. It can also be self-imposed. Decorations can be simple, as can the food. Christmas shopping can be done online and you can even get most places to wrap your gifts for you.
There is no Christmas card police coming to check up on whether you got yours in the mail on time. No one will be offended if they don’t get one, and in case they are, just send them to your Facebook page where they can see all the pictures they might like.
Most years, I sew pajama pants for my family. I don’t have to but I want do and for the most part, the kids consider that part of our must-have Christmas traditions. There are other things I don’t do as a trade off (like Messiah sing-alongs and neighbor gifts — sorry neighbors.)
As much as we love that tradition, we’ve had years where we bought sweatpants for everyone and called it good. The year our daughter Elizabeth died two weeks before Christmas, we scaled back on pretty much everything. We paid someone to put lights up outside as a way to honor her memory and we had a simple tree with gifts provided by Secret Santas because we had no emotional energy to do it ourselves. We also had friends who stepped up and knit advent socks for us because ours had been destroyed in a house fire earlier that year. (Yeah, 2005 was not our year.) I am reminded of their love every time I pull those stockings out. And to be perfectly honest, I can’t remember if the other kids even got new jammies. I do know I didn’t sew them.
Let’s lighten the load on ourselves. Be like the creative mom whose elf has a broken leg and can’t be moved for two weeks. Or, if that’s your jam, do the elf and drop the sewing. Reach out to someone who is struggling this holiday season. I’ll never forget my friend Leena taking time away from her busy schedule to knit socks for us. Or the people who provided our family with Christmas gifts that year. Service truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
Here’s to an enjoyable and non-exhausting holiday season.
Holly Richardson
Holly Richardson is off to get her nails done, then finish the end-of-semester work still waiting for her. She will probably start sewing like a mad woman about a week before Christmas.