After briefly refusing to dignify a football game with his absence, Vice President Mike Pence jetted to California for a previously scheduled event, and I guess President Donald Trump thought this was how protests ought to go. Below are a few more ideas for protests that Pence doubtless has planned.
Take Secret Service detail 80 miles out of the way to glower at a yard sign that says “No Matter Where You’re From, I’m Glad You’re My Neighbor.”
Pointedly refuse a piece of toast because it appears to contain an image of the Virgin Mary and his wife is not present to guard his virtue.
Buy a $3,000 ticket to “Hello, Dolly!” Angrily tear it up and leave the theater when he discovers that they do not begin each show by playing the national anthem. Go to a previously scheduled event.
Fly across the country to San Francisco to squint angrily at a bar with a rainbow flag. Insist he had something else to do in town that justified all this travel but refuse to say what it is.
Fly 300 miles out of his way to stand, remove his hat and applaud a wedding cake that has a man and a woman on top of it.
Spend two hours standing outside the door to a “Hamilton” show he does not have tickets to with his arms folded.
Buy a new television and make the Secret Service carry it home, then throw it out the window because it does not say “Made in USA” on it.
Climb Mount Rushmore and reverently brush dirt off Thomas Jefferson’s nose.
Run into and out of an American Eagle Outfitters in indignation that the store offers no appropriate outfits for eagles.
Stick head into the automatic doors at a Whole Foods and then run away shouting “I WILL NOT DIGNIFY THIS WITH MY PRESENCE” for unclear reasons.
Go see “Blade Runner: 2049.” Leave the second it is revealed that movies do not begin with the national anthem. Fly to a previously scheduled event.
Fly 800 miles out of his way to stand at the door of a pharmacy and swat contraceptives out of people’s hands.
Use an entire tank of gasoline to go wave his finger disapprovingly at a pigeon for doing its business on a statue of Christopher Columbus.
Make a big deal on social media about how excited he is to go to a pool and relax all afternoon. Instantly turn around in indignation because of what the women are wearing. Fly to California for a previously scheduled event.
Angrily turn off “The Americans” and throw a second, replacement television out the window when it is revealed that the Americans in question are not Americans after all but Russians.
Announce that he is going to the woods to live in harmony with nature and serve out the rest of his term in peace and quiet. Sit there for about 10 seconds. Immediately catch sight of a stick that he claims looks like a temptress from the side and insist that he must leave at once. Fly to North Carolina for a previously scheduled event.