If Salt Lake City is selected to host the 2012 Republican National Convention, it will be the biggest thing to happen in the valley since Sarah Palin signed books at Costco.

Every Republican lawmaker in the land, Jim Matheson included, would come to town. All the big-time talk show hosts, too -- Beck and Limbaugh, Maddow and Olbermann, Hughes and Stephenson. And a world-class acrobat -- Mitt Romney -- will flip-flop on stage.

In all, about 50,000 movers and shakers would descend on the city -- 30,000 conventioneers, 15,000 journalists and 5,000 hookers. (A bad element, true. But don't worry. The journalists will leave.)

Of course, we have to beat out Phoenix and Tampa, but we've got a lot more experience rigging bids. And besides, the Republican Party owes Utah big-time.

We haven't elected a Democratic governor since 1980, or a collectivist since Brigham Young. We've reliably stocked the U.S. Senate with Republicans since 1976. Even our token Democratic congressman is a Republican. We deserve a reward.

And what a reward the convention would be. Business would boom. The economic impact of the 2008 GOP Convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul was $168 million.

Of course, you have to spend money to make money. We'll need to build holding pens for protesters, round up the drug dealers and roust the panhandlers. (Mayor Becker, another Utah Democrat with Republican genes, is already working on that last one.) And, if it's anything like landing the Olympics, palms will need greased.

But, so far so good. Now it's time to send them a letter, gather some data and nail down the bid.

Dear Republican Convention Selection Committee member,

Greetings from Salt Lake City, Utah. You remember us --- the only state where the Travel Bingo game has a polygamy compound, a nuclear waste dump and a school bus painted like a Red Bull can.

We think you'll agree that Salt Lake City is the perfect venue for your 2012 convention. We have experience hosting major events, everything from monster truck and gun shows to the Winter Olympics and General Conference. And we have something for nearly every wing of the Pasty-Old-White-Guys Party (including contempt for Log Cabin Republicans).

Tenthers and tea partyers can tour the state Capitol, where the Utah Legislature famously gave Washington the finger.

Redneck Republicans will enjoy the rodeo, the original KFC franchise and a Cabela's bigger than the great outdoors.

And NRA members will love our gun policy: "If you got'em, shoot'em, but please don't blast the Moose Crossing signs. They're expensive."

Frankly, you'll feel right at home here. We're abstinence-teaching, state's-rights-preaching, gun-loving, God-fearing, Reagan-revering fiscal conservatives, and those are our Democrats. And we're happy to say that our state is now ACORN-free.

Of course, Utah is not immune from all social ills. We still have to get rid of Planned Parenthood, trial attorneys and Robert Redford, but we should be ready by 2012. See you then!

Sincerely, the Salt Lake Organizing Committee

P.S. Please complete, detach and return the attached questionnaire. Just three simple questions to help us get to know you, and formulate our offer: Gold or diamonds? Bahamas or Barbados? Fifties or hundreds?

E-mail Casey Jones at cjones@sltrib.com