If it pleases the Legislature, I humbly submit the following advice in regard to the state's projected $850 million revenue shortfall and pending budget cuts.

Please note that, in a show of respect and pragmatism, I have not made sacrilegious suggestions, such as starting a lottery, or taxing churches, or legalizing and taxing marijuana.

And I'm well aware that you'll be bombarded with ideas.

Conservatives will want a Panhandler Tax, a Sex Toy Tax, a tax on environmentalists to make up for lost oil and gas revenue.

Atheists and agnostics will call for the 10 Percent of 10 Percent Tax, aka, the Tithing Tax.

And progressives, employing reverse psychology, will likely lobby for balancing the budget on the backs of the poor.

I only ask, and decency demands, that you consider the following savings tips and revenue enhancements before committing crimes against humanity by slashing social service programs and education.

Think old school: Hold a car wash, a bake sale, a talent show -- Chris Buttars and Gayle Ruzicka could sing "Breaking Up is Hard to Do."

And new school: Arrange an Internet auction for a night on the town with a lawmaker. (I'm sure Equality Utah would pay plenty for a date with Chris Buttars, just to see the look of terror on his face when they knock on his door.)

Do what regular folks do when times are tough. Take out a second mortgage on the State Capitol, get an advance on tax

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receipts from a payday loan vendor, vote incumbents out of office.

Try new financing schemes. Ponzi! Ponzi! Ponzi! (Don't worry, Shurtleff won't investigate.)

Create unique revenue streams. Sell advertising on state vehicles, auction off H1N1 shots, charge an admission fee to the state: "Utah. Price elevated - $1."

And nurture a business climate conducive to economic development by lowering the minimum wage, repealing child labor laws and jailing union leaders.

In a show of good faith, share the pain with your constituents. Surrender that government health care, sell that expensive office furniture on eBay, cancel the reservations at the Little America Hotel and sleep in the office. (Jason Chaffetz could tell you where to find a cheap cot.)

And shift the tax burden to those who can afford to pay. Enact a Millionaire's Tax, a Big-Boys Toy Tax (private planes, yachts, land yachts, high-end hookers, etc.) and the Grey Poupon Tax (lobster, crab, finer cuts of meat, including high-end hookers).

And, by all means, raise taxes on people who won't mind (and can't hurt you at the polls). Democrats, I'm told, actually like to pay taxes; dead people never complain about estate taxes and almost never vote.

In the end, if you still have to cut education, at least give schools more ways to raise money. Maybe they could sell condoms in high school lavatories. (Don't worry. It won't promote promiscuity. Thanks to abstinence-only sex education, the kids will think they're balloons.)

Casey Jones is a member of the Tribune editorial board. E-mail him at cjones@sltrib.com.