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We need more Real Men in office.

When I see Donald Trump shoving that man out of the way at the NATO summit, my heart turns into an eagle and flaps its magnificent wings. When I see him crushing a Frenchman's hand, I want to cry a tiny, manly tear of pure testosterone. When I saw Montana GOP candidate Greg Gianforte shove a reporter to the ground, my heart sang. For too long, our politics have been devoid of body-slams. They have become weak and soft, not like when men were men and would beat each other with canes on the floor of the Senate. I want to go back to those days, when America was great, and you could beat certain people with impunity.

We need politicians who share these values: violence, against those who deserve it (most Europeans, definitely journalists). I want a president who will lock horns with foreign leaders for hours before shoving them off a cliff. I want a president who can transform into an aircraft carrier and emit jets of steam. I want a president with an enormous neck-frill which expands when he is threatened as he emits a LOW HISS of rage.

Too long America has been weak and womanish and tried to settle things with words.

More punching, less talking, please. More shoving, less compromising. More explosions, less diplomacy, please.

Enough safe spaces. Enough safety nets. Take the helmets off our children. Let them drink lead and see who is strong and who survives.

I applaud violence! We need to send someone to a foreign summit who will knock those foreign leaders out of the way like bowling pins. There can only be one atop the summit: THE TRUE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN! I put the ARRRRRRR in America. I cannot spell. I am too strong.

We need to DRAIN the swamp. Physically. We need to replace it with a sinkhole unfit for human life. I am not joking. Can't stand the heat? Too bad. I won't stop consuming fossil fuels.

I have had it with these safe spaces! I want all spaces to be DANGEROUS SPACES!

Look out, snowflakes. The real flurry is my FISTS. (Is this correct? I have never punched anyone.)

We need politicians who are more like Wolverine, except once Wolverine was kind to a young immigrant, and, um, NO THANK YOU.

I first became involved with politics because I saw that some people were not suffering, and I wanted to change that. I am harder than diamond. Unlike that useless rock, I would never be worn around the finger of a woman.

My motility is high.

I want to smash the Social Security disability administration like a bug. I want to punch a rhinoceros and keep punching it until it goes EXTINCT! Dumb freeloader living on government support! Get out of the zoo and take back your own habitat. I also want to defund the EPA. If the environment wants to stick around, it needs to learn to PROTECT ITSELF.

We've had enough words. Send people like me to Washington who will BRING the PAIN! People who will wipe those grins off the media's faces. And the glasses off. I will literally knock them to the floor. I will stamp on the human face FOREVER with my awesome macho boot I bought online. I am more metal than a cop wearing army surplus gear riding a drone. I am no coward. I am certified 110 percent man. I took an online quiz that said so.

Didn't some parts of the Internet agree that punching Nazis was good? Well, to me, everyone is a Nazi. Nazis are in the eye of the beholder, I think. My point is, we need to punch more people.

It is time to PUT THE HURT on Washington. I am not speaking metaphorically. Metaphors are for liberals and communists. Making one word or phrase do the work of ANOTHER word or phrase? NO THANK YOU. Those words are freeloaders. We need stricter sentencing guidelines.

Enough of this "civilization" and these "journalists" who want to fight "words" with "words" instead of with fists.

As a private citizen, there is only so much harm you can do. You can break one reporter's glasses, maybe. Tops. But then they run to the police and you face jail time and fines.

I want leaders who will do this, but to millions of people, but without the possibility of breaking a nail. I want to throw 23 million people off their health insurance. I want to purge the weak. I want to be strong and manly and fierce again. I want to take America back, all the way back, to when we were hunters and beat our chests and growled and the only insurance you had was your trusty spear. When men were men. Those were good days.