This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House

Not a creature was stirring, except the Great Grouse;

The stockings were hung on the House speaker's chair,

But the Grouse would soon take them, with nothing to spare.

The Grouse would steal Christmas, and that is a cinch,

As a business tycoon he was known as the Grinch.

We all know the Grinch, with apologies to Seuss,

But as president he's Grouse, and he's on the loose.

Come Exxon, come Mobil, come BP and more,

With Grouse at the helm, you'll be looting the store.

He and his cabinet will rob the cupboard bare,

With his stubby hands and his bright orange hair.

And school teachers, we will be needing you no more,

We'll privatize everything and dump Common Core.

The schools will be run by elite CEOs

Who will scrap social theories and we'll see how that goes.

We'll close all the borders to crooks and the others,

And Mexicans and Muslims, and their sisters and brothers.

With Antonin Scalia gone to his great reward,

We'll find a new justice who will be just as hard.

If you don't like gays but you pray every day,

We'll get a Supreme Court that will make them pay.

Religious liberties should be protected for us,

So we'll send the offenders to the back of the bus.

And to the reindeer we've got a fine message for you

Your union will go, and that's for the elves too.

Our new labor secretary has a brilliant new plan

No minimum wage and if you complain you'll be canned.

So to the boys and girls in the Midwest rust belt

Your visions of stuffed stockings are beginning to melt

When the jobs held by immigrants begin to appear,

They'll be at Wendy's, McDonald's and hotels, at the rear.

But in Utah the lawmakers are shouting with glee.

The lands in the west will be transferred, oh whee!

The feds will be gone, and the land will be ours,

So when visitors come, it will be strictly paid tours.

We'll divvy up mountains, stream beds and the like,

To developers and bankers and a cowboy named Mike.

And if people don't like it, we have sheriffs in town,

Who will enforce all our values, which we know are renown.

Our health care will be the best in the land

But if you want to get it, cross the line in the sand.

No undesirables will be allowed in our group.

If you don't have the money you're out of the loop.

The Grouse has fine presents for those who were loyal,

For Speaker Greg Hughes, he'll get something royal.

For Rep. Mike Noel, the champion of off-roaders,

The BLM job so he can arrest all free-loaders.

For Rep. Ken Ivory, his very own PAC,

So he can collect all the dues and not give them back.

For Gov. Gary Herbert, who was kind of on board,

A trip to the inaugural if he falls on his sword.

But for Utah's favorite son, we don't know.

After all, he was naughty so his sun doesn't glow.

To teach him a lesson the Grouse held out a wish.

That he might get some manna from heaven in his dish.

He was invited to dinner and amid all the glory,

Was waiting for the Great Grouse to tell him a story.

But it all was a big ruse to torture poor Mitt.

The Grouse joyfully roasted our man on the spit.

So we go forth now with a new leader in sight.

He has a secret plan and that will be our plight.

He got in his sled, which was a Rolls Royce so bright.

Then shouted Happy Christmas to all, and all a good night. —