This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
I don't know what mortal sins I have committed in the past, or in past lives, to warrant the punishment I am receiving now, but for some unexplainable reason, I am the target of a unique form of police harassment.
I'm being hit up for money from that wacky sheriff in Arizona, Joe Arpaio.
Again.
"Patriot," his email to me began, "I normally do not write you emails this personal — but today I'm making an exception. My friend, we are in trouble."
Well, Joe, what about the several personal emails you sent me in 2013, the last time we were in trouble? And you said in the last email you sent that year that you "have never written a more personal note for help before and I don't know that I ever will again."
Well, Joe, even though I held you to your word that you would never do it again, you've done it again.
Arpaio's plea, similar to those he made in 2013, is that liberals, drug cartels, people whose surnames end with the letter z and President Barack Obama are once again trying to recall him because he's so tough on crime.
He doesn't mention the people trying to recall him for other reasons.
He had his deputies lead a judge out of his chambers and detain him, arrest newspaper executive and protesters who were critical of him and charge a county supervisor embroiled in a feud with him with dozens of felonies — all later dismissed.
Arpaio's exploits have cost Maricopa County taxpayers millions of dollars to settle lawsuits.
Then, of course, there was the time he put a tail on the wife of a judge who ruled his deputies were engaged in racial profiling.
Then the times he famously put up tent prisons in the Arizona desert (nothing like watching people blister in the morning) and forced inmates to wear pink underwear.
And he sent his own private posse to Hawaii to investigate Obama's birth certificate and later asserted the long-form document probably is a forgery based on all his law-enforcement experience, although he has never brought forth any credible evidence to back up that claim.
So, he wants my help.
Again.
He wants me to send him at least $25. Preferably more. To underline his point, he brought up all the boogeymen who will run free without him in the saddle.
"Mexican cartels will be the winner as they have been gunning for me for years.
"Drug smugglers will be the winner because they know I will NEVER look the other way when they break the law. President Obama and his Department of Justice will be the winner as they have failed with their politically motivated agenda against me.
"Open-border liberals will be the winner as they want nothing more than to get rid of a tough Arizona sheriff that will never back down from opposing illegal immigration."
Then there will be the losers. Oh, the losers.
"The single mother who can't protect her children from a rampant drug culture.
"The southern Arizona rancher who will continue to fight on his own against illegals crossing his land. The grandmother whose grandson can't go to school without being confronted by drug pushers."
I won't be sending Joe any money. I didn't send him any last time.
But maybe he could hit up the Utah Association of Counties.
Joe seems like their kind of guy.