Not a Demo was stirring, not even to browse.

It's true, the Demos won throughout the land,

But in Utah, Republicans have matters in hand.

They've got the House, and they've got the Senate,

And Salt Lake County is about to serve penance.

It's enough to make any conservative pout,

A Democrat mayor! What's that all about?

So while children lay nestled all snug in their beds,

And visions of sugar plums danced in their heads,

Santa came here in the midst of turmoil,

Lawmakers would make S.L. County their foil.

Stockings were hung at the Capitol with care.

With notes telling St. Nick what to do while he's there.

For Speaker Greg Curtis, a real mandate.

For Sen. Curt Bramble, the title of "Great."

For members of the Conservative Caucus,

A plague in Salt Lake involving some locusts.

So Santa tried to please them and more,

Knowing Utah County was next stop on his tour.

He remembered last year, when he went down to Springville,

He was called a liberal and all sorts of evil.

They tried to confiscate his Barbie dolls,

Because they had breasts and made morals fall.

But Santa was able to escape those bad visions,

By stopping for a short time at the governor's mansion.

At least over there he found moderation,

And children to please from all sorts of nations.

He went to the lieutenant governor's house, too.

And left some touch screens where votes would ring true.

To Rocky Anderson's house he would go,

With a promise the reindeers' emissions were low.

From Orrin Hatch, Santa found in his mail,

A bevy of gospel music for sale.

He went to Republican headquarters, too,

It had a forwarding address: The Deseret News.

But there, he found a jolly old elf,

Who really wasn't so full of himself.

This round guy named Joe said, "Santa, I'm humble,

But don't get too liberal, or we'll have to rumble."

"And despite my shyness, I'm feeling quite virile,

Because now I'll buy my ink by the barrel."

So Santa was finally done with this state,

He had to admit, he had a headache.

By the time he was through, he wanted a drink.

But the liquor laws left him needing a shrink.