- Jimmy Breslin, journalist and novelist

It's been a quarter-century since you could smoke in the Tribune newsroom, let alone toss a butt on the floor. But Breslin - consummate New Yorker and dean of city columnists - nevertheless speaks to me. He couldn't stand the predictability, the safety, of any career other than the writing life.

To this you can add blogging and any form of e-journalism. The methods for transmitting news and opinion are evolving at the speed of light. But you still need passionate human beings to do the actual work.

Consider this a primer. Two days ago, I wrote a satire based on a real-life proposal that school teachers take police academy firearms training. The rationale is that teachers could be armed and classified like security guards, or port of entry agents.

Except they also would be teaching how to dissect a frog or modify a verb.

The idea of training teachers as plainclothes cops is so patently absurd I felt I could only match it with more absurdity. Some readers got the point (to the e-mailer from Sonoma, Calif., thanks for describing the piece as "Mark Twain influenced," even though I'm not worthy to touch the hem of his natty white trouser leg). Some readers did not (hint: when did you ever hear of a school in Utah called "Sentimental High?").

I received the usual handful of responses like this one: "Take your slanted, know-nothing, garbage opinions to the editorial page, where they belong. You are biased. How dare you try to pass yourself off as a reporter?"

I was a reporter and/or editor for 21 of the last 26 years. I'm no longer a reporter, though I do frequently interview subjects and attend news events for this column. The best columns always contain reporting, and I do my share of working the phone buttons and wearing out shoe leather.

Some readers remain confused as to why a columnist who expresses an opinion would appear with news stories on the Utah section cover. I thought most people understood that fine old tradition.

If you're a lucky journalist, you get tapped for this particular job by knowing and loving your surroundings enough to offer praise when it's deserved and ridicule when it's equally warranted. (My own favorite local columnist is Steve Lopez of the Los Angeles Times - a master). I emphasize the "loving" part. At some level, if you don't truly cherish the place you live, you can't effectively "columnize" about it.

I rarely please everyone. And that's good. It gives me a reason - besides carpool duty - to roll out of the sack in the morning. And as far as I know, I'm not moving to the editorial page.

It's affirming that Breslin didn't always get it right, either. At 76, he still occasionally writes opinion. But Breslin retired his regular column from New York Newsday on Nov. 2, 2004.

He predicted a landslide Election Day victory for John Kerry over George W. Bush.

hmullen@sltrib.com