Chasta DeHerrera tries to keep her mind from wandering to dark places.
The 23-year-old Magna woman quit reading the news when her husband, U.S. Army Spc. Jeremiah Butts, deployed to Afghanistan in July, determined to stay away from stories that would scare her and elevate anxiety.
She focuses instead on sending morale boosters across seas in the form of packages stocked with board games, playing cards, soccer balls, snacks and candy.
She throws energy into spending time with her best friend and her best friend's children, who keep her company at home in Magna while her husband is deployed.
Yet, in the quiet hours when she is unable to keep herself distracted from thoughts of the war, worry grabs hold.
"The stuff he's seeing, the people he's losing, the stuff he has to go through -- they've pushed him to the limit and they've pushed him beyond," said DeHerrera, who will celebrate her fourth wedding anniversary to Butts on Aug. 25.
"And of course, I worry about him dying. That, I try to keep from the farthest part of my mind."
In the meantime, she thinks about what life will be like when her husband returns.
She dreams not of exotic vacations, but simple moments she now lives without: date nights at Chili's, games of Guitar Hero, reading together on the couch.
"He would have his book, and I'd have mine. His leg would be on mine, and we'd just read together," DeHerrera said.
"Really, I just miss spending time with him. Just talking about life, our goals, what we wanted. Every day was a chance that we got to know each other better."
DeHerrera was surprised Saturday evening when she learned her husband is featured in an Associated Press story about his life in Afghanistan. After receiving a copy of the story from The Salt Lake Tribune, DeHerrera couldn't bring herself to read it, but had her mother read it to her.
DeHerrera cried when her husband wrote about his love for her. She said her husband likely wanted to surprise her and had no idea part of her life was about to become national news.
She won't be able to speak to Butts for about another week, when he returns from a mission. Usually the two are able to speak on the phone about every other day, when Butts gets up in the middle of the night to call her, she said.
DeHerrera had two years to prepare for her husband's deployment, but said the experience is harder than she ever imagined.
She lived with her husband at Fort Lewis, Wash., but moved back to Utah three months after her husband's deployment. She was unable to sleep, gripped by fear that left her in a panic on the couch during most nights.
She struggled when her husband shared the story of a close Navajo friend killed by an explosive. Butts saw the man's mutilated body and shared his grief with his wife.
After hearing the gruesome story, DeHerrera left Washington.
"I needed to be home with family and people who could relate to me a little bit more," she said.
Back in Utah, she's surrounded by family, including an older sister who is married to a military man and has experienced three deployments.
DeHerrera married Butts two weeks before he enlisted. The two met through mutual friends in Magna and were engaged for two years.
Now, she concentrates on getting through one day at a time, waiting for her husband to return.
"It's not on the playing field that I thought it was going to be," she said of her husband's absence. "He's more in the danger zone than I would like him to be."
