Yes I know. I'm not hip. I don't get it. I'm too simple-minded for the conspiratorial machinations of the case files of Mulder and Scully. I just didn't understand the attraction. If I wanted someone to mess with my mind for an hour each week, I'd just talk to one of my editors.

So by definition, I'm not going to like Fox's upcoming thriller, "Fringe," by "Lost" co-creator J.J. Abrams.

And I didn't like it - not the pilot anyway. But this time, I understood it. I just didn't care to.

That's because "Fringe," about an FBI agent thrown into a paranormal/science-fiction-gone-awry investigation involving a planeload of people who melt away, is, for all intents and purposes, "The X-Files" with a little of the 1980 movie "Altered States" thrown in.

Special Agent Olivia Dunham (Anna Torv) is called in to investigate the mysterious mishap on the plane. But her lover and FBI partner, John, is seriously injured in an accident during a chase that leaves him in a semi-transparent, semi-gooey state.

That leads her to a wacky scientist (John Noble looking a bit like Christopher Lloyd in "Back to the Future") who may know something about the origins of the virus that killed the passengers. One caveat: He's been institutionalized.

So Olivia recruits the scientist's estranged son (Joshua Jackson) to help the doctor get out long enough to figure out the origin of the deadly virus.

That also involves the agent experimenting with deprivation tanks (where you float in salt water in total darkness) and drug hallucinations, À la the science fiction movie "Altered States."

And again - as is typical of modern-day serialized television thrillers - there's a conspiracy-laced framing device involving a mysterious company.

"Fringe," which premieres Sept. 9 at 7 p.m. on KSTU Channel 13, has taken all the standard elements of popular thrillers like Abrams' own "Lost" and "Alias" and mixed them in a bowl, resulting in the same bland flavors.

This anticipated series from Abrams is not the savior of this truncated fall television schedule that many hoped it would be. Instead, it's another typical science-fiction journey laced with artificially manufactured intrigue.

Do Not Disturb » Fox's new sitcom "Do Not Disturb" (Sept. 10 at 8:30, KSTU Ch. 13) takes place at a boutique hotel I would never stay at.

The place is staffed with so many idiotic employees who do everything but work, my linens would never get changed.

Jerry O'Connell is the general manager of the hotel, and he and his human resources director (Niecy Nash) have to deal with so many inane story lines and jokes - like trying to curb his sexual urges - that there's no room for laughter. There are so many nicer, and funnier, places to stay.