I've actually regretted an injury before it even occurred. I was only halfway to the water before I lamented accepting a challenge to cliff-jump at Lake Powell.
Some injuries take time to make themselves known enough to regret. Lung cancer comes to mind. So do sexually transmitted diseases, bankruptcy, marriage and plastic surgery gone hideously awry.
Last month, I began experiencing symptoms of potential regret — aching joints, unquenchable thirst, fuzzy vision and nonstop peeing.
Since all of these are also the hallmarks of narrowly surviving a massive, memory-erasing explosion, I called Sonny.
Me • "Did we do something really loud that might be of interest to Homeland Security?"
Him • "What? I've been drunk in New Orleans. I have no idea what you've been doing."
I went to see my doctor. Because of a change in godless insurance providers, I had to switch physicians from Gregory "Don't Do That Anymore" Daynes to Brian Ely.
Since Brian doesn't know me as well as Doc Daynes, he didn't immediately feel my head for unusual lumps or alarming depressions. He simply ordered some tests. A nurse came in, stabbed me and left with some blood.
When she came back and whispered to Doc Ely, he winced. The news wasn't good. "Your A1C level is 10.6," he said.
Since I had no idea what that even meant, I said, "Cool. That's pretty good for an old guy. Right? It is. Right?"
I have advanced Type 2 diabetes. My glucose level was 286, which, as Doc Ely professionally explained, meant my blood could be used for snow cone syrup.
I could see him looking at me like I was mostly already dead, which he said I would be if I didn't stop hurting myself by being a ravenous coach potato.
He hooked me up with a nutritionist, a pharmacist, a dozen more appointments, and 2,000 milligrams of Metformin, which manifests every bit as pleasant as a tequila hangover.
I've since learned that all the foods I love — potatoes, rice, bread and more — are bad for me, while those that make me yak into a garbage can — broccoli, kale, Brussels sprouts — are good for me.