This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2017, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Salt Lake Tribune columnist Ann Cannon is a close friend. Even so, it bothered me when she was selected to become our advice columnist. That honor should have gone to me.

I have all the credentials: little education, lots of hard knocks, an inability to shut up when even a drunk would, and 42 years of marriage to a woman who scares me.

Exactly how Ann snaked the job out from under me is a mystery. I tried asking Tribune Editor Jennifer Napier-Pearce, but the "No Kirby today" sign has been on her door all week.

When Ann was anointed as our advice columnist, she did ask me to send her some sample questions. So I did. She never answered them. To prove that the job should have been mine, here are those questions — and my advice.

Dear Kirb • I am allergic to cats but forced by circumstance to live next to an elderly woman who has at least a dozen. They continually use my flower beds as litter boxes. Last week, I put one of her cats in our clothes dryer for 10 minutes, dyed it purple, shaved its head and sent it back home. I'm hoping that you'll tell me this was not out of line. Signed, Fed Up.

Dear Fed Up • Of course it was inappropriate. Cat vomit is almost impossible to get out of a dryer.

Dear Kirb • My wife and I were recently joined for eternity in a deeply religious ceremony. I'm writing to ask your advice regarding a bit of a surprise. On our wedding night, I discovered that my bride has a male appendage. What should I do? Signed, Shocked in SLC.

Dear Shocked • Far be it from me to suggest going against the standards of your religious convictions, but perhaps a tad more petting beforehand would have spared you this problem. Check with your religious leaders about "annulment for time and all eternity."

Dear Kirb • Having been born LDS and remained faithful all my life, I was wondering what I should do when I feel overlooked by a calling. Two weeks ago, I received personal confirmation that I would be called as the next Relief Society president in my ward. Instead, they gave it to that b%&$# Sister Hamworth, who everyone knows is a total showoff. How can I deal with these un-Christlike feelings to be worthy of a call as the stake Relief Society president? Signed, Faithful in Fillmore.

Dear Faithful • Girl, you need a hobby. More fun, less church.

Dear Kirb • Recently, my husband and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. He is a well-known church and civic leader. While most people admire and respect him, they don't know that when we retire for the night, he regularly forces my head beneath the blankets and passes gas. He refers to it as a "Dutch oven" and finds it hilarious. I don't. What should I do? Signed, Nauseated.

Dear Nauseated • She who laughs last, laughs best. Take a Taser to bed.

Dear Kirb • I hate living in Utah. It's the worst place in the world for religious overreach. Mormons are the most self-righteous and intolerant people on Earth. I can't be myself here. Signed, Get Me Out.

Dear Get Me Out • Take a year off and go be yourself in Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Afghanistan or Syria. You'll soon forget all about this horrible place.

OK, that's enough. I've proved my case as a purveyor of important instructions. Whether readers will accept my tips is up to them.

My advice is that they should.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.