This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2017, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
Editors note: On the final night of the legislative session, it is customary for the governor to thank lawmakers for their work during the session. What follows are NOT prepared remarks to the Legislature by Gov. Gary Herbert, but they could be.
My dear legislators, friends and fellow Utahns,
We are here at the end of our annual 45-day legislative session to reflect on all the good work we have done and the accomplishments we have made on behalf of the people of the great state of Utah.
Our alcohol laws were a focal point for much of the session. Ever since we repealed Prohibition, Utah has grappled with how to regulate liquor. But no matter how hard we try, people have still managed to get a drink in this town.
Representative Norm Thurston developed a novel approach, lowering the threshold for drunken driving to 0.05, a few beers for most. In a business-friendly state like ours, this will be a major boon to businesses like Uber and Lyft from Logan to St. George.
We've been warned that these liquor laws are "wacky," may further stigmatize the state and make us seem like weirdos and cost us convention and tourism business. Ask the Outdoor Retailer industry how much we care.
[Applause]
Speaking of Outdoor Retailer, screw those guys.
[Standing Ovation]
This session, we also made alcohol more expensive and added the so-called Zion Moat. Even though this moat will not have alligators, despite Senator Margaret Dayton's efforts, this will naturally reduce underage drinking, because kids will never want something as long as it is kept five feet away.
We plan to take Representative Brad Wilson's novel Zion Moat approach and apply it to our sex education curriculum. Students will be told they have to keep their naughty bits at least 10 feet apart, or five feet if they are separated by a short wall or maybe a row of plants.
Our sex education policy also changed, because of a lawsuit, to acknowledge that homosexuality exists. We will, however, still teach our young people it is icky and weird.
[Applause]
Speaking of icky and weird, in the gallery tonight is Tim Jensen. Don't be shy, Tim, stand up. Tim is 15 years old and has demons. He likes porn. Can't get enough. Totally addicted and, believe me, it's completely filthy stuff. You wouldn't believe it. But, thanks to Senator Todd Weiler, now Tim's parents will be able to take pornographers to court for the damage done to their perverted little monkey.
Thanks to Senator Weiler, we will keep the filth where it belongs: In our air.
[Applause]
If we have learned nothing from our nation's new secretary of education, Betsy DeVos, it's that our schoolchildren are confronting a dire threat — bears in schools. But you have addressed that this year, at least on our college campuses, by allowing our young people to get a concealed weapons permit on their 18th birthday. And I am happy to report that, since this bill passed, there has not been a single mauling at any of our colleges and universities. Next session, we should expand this program further to the K-12 level.
[Applause]
We entered this session with nearly $400 million in surplus funds and you spent every cent. So clearly what we, as Republicans, need to do, is raise taxes. You raised the gas tax for the second time in three years, raised the hotel tax and imposed new fees on things like cellphones, which are basically just like health care.
We didn't raise the sales tax on food, but we'll get those poor people next year.
But we need to unite to oppose the Our Schools Now initiative, because raising income taxes to benefit public education could hurt our economy.
[Applause]
In my State of the State address at the opening of the session, I spoke of how we have scaled many peaks together and I challenged us to work together to get even higher.
I think maybe you misunderstood. I wasn't talking about marijuana. Still, you passed rigorous regulation of a product that is still illegal. I can only presume it was a decision made while you were doing the diligent marijuana research called for in Senator Brian Shiozawa's bill. I mean, really. Que pasa?
That aside, after 45 days, I thank you all for your effort. Now it's over, and the rest of the state can breathe a deep sigh of relief.
Twitter: @RobertGehrke