This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2017, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Now that President Donald Trump has officially taken office — in a move many believe to be the worst moment in the entire history of the universe — it's time to examine the process that brought America to this divisive point.

Hmm … I got nothing.

Trump lost the popular vote because, he claims, millions of undocumented Mexicans and Muslims surged across our borders and illegally voted for somebody else.

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton lost the Electoral College vote because — well, I have no idea. Maybe it's because when representing the average American, a measly $31 million net worth can't beat a billionaire.

The point is, people, the system is broken. Whether you believe Trump is the Antichrist or the deliverer of America, we clearly have a mess in the selection process. Most of us, including me, don't understand how it works.

I could go into the details as I understand them, but that would be a complete waste of 11 seconds. Let me simply say that if something doesn't make sense to the vast majority of people it's supposed to help, it's time to get rid of it.

I've long advocated for alternative methods of electing our presidents, including hammer fights, a lottery, cage-fighting, Russian roulette, spelling contests, rat-trapping, obstacle courses involving alligators, etc.

Things can't go long like that, so I now propose the only thing that seems fair to all Americans — we take turns.

That's right. Every group with a significant population in America would simply offer up a candidate who would then get in line.

The largest group in American who has yet to put one of their own in the White House is women. That's unacceptable given that, like, 35 percent, maybe more, of America is female.

Enough is enough. Our next president should automatically be a woman. With the possible exception of deciding where the !#%@* to go for dinner, women get things done.

I've seen it my entire life at home, church, school, dating, marriage and even raising girls. Seven of my nine grandchildren are female. They're smart, cooperative and compassionate. Meanwhile, the two boys have their heads stuck in video games.

So, in the next four years — sooner if Trump were to somehow fall out of Air Force One over Siberia — it follows that it's time for a "Madam President."

There's still work to be done. Just picking a woman leaves us with the issues of faith, race and other elements representative of Americans.

This part is easy. Hispanics constitute the second largest group in America, so it follows that our next president should be a barrio chica.

I dated a Mexican gal once. You won't find a woman more capable of making do with next to nothing, raising a family, or becoming run-and-hide pissed off when it's needed. I still have a scar.

Now that I've set America on the right track, I'll leave the details to the experts, none of whom will be white, male and/or rich.

What? Yes, I know that I'm two out of those three and therefore automatically disqualified, but that just proves I have America's best interests at heart.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.