This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
An 11-year-old girl in Georgia was recently charged with bringing a knife to school. It wasn't to protect herself from gang members, sexual predators or even a Kardashian. Nope. She was terrified of clowns.
I can see where it would be easy to confuse a clown with a Kardashian, but let's not get off track. The girl's fear was based on all the recent creepy clown sightings in the eastern U.S.
From what little I can tell, the clowns sneak around after dark with the intent of dragging young children into the woods. It's wierded people out so much that they've begun arming themselves.
I'm not sure a knife would be enough to stop a predatory clown, even if it was a hoax. Anyone deranged enough to dress up as a scary-looking clown and go sneaking around the woods in the most heavily armed part of America has obviously parted company with sufficient reason to warrant at least a little gunfire.
Redneck #1: "That there is a fine-looking clown in your trunk, Bobby Jo."
Redneck #2: "Got me two more out in the shed. Dogs chased 'em into a 'lectric fence. This 'un here got his floppy shoe caught in a trap. I hit him with a club."
It is for this very reason that police agencies in the areas where most of the clown sightings occurred have issued routine "be on the lookout for idiot" advisories.
Police official: "People dressing up as clowns do not deserve to be beaten or have packs of dogs set upon them, but we won't necessarily care if it happens."
This whole clown thing feeds off a genuine psychiatric condition known as "coulrophobia."
Some people have the same regard for clowns that others have for snakes, spiders or even vampires.
Just because you aren't afraid of spiders doesn't mean that they can't hurt you. Right after I got married, I teased my wife with a harmless house spider. I'm still not sure if it was the spider or my wife who caused the lump on my head.
The point is, it's not a good idea to play on people's fears regardless of how illogical they might seem. It stops being funny when someone gets lit up with an assault rifle.
Clowns don't scare me at all. At worst, I only find them annoying. The same goes for mimes and cloggers. I might hit one with a rock, but that's about it.
On the other hand, there are some things that set me off. I have Yeezophobia. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can't help it.
If I were to look out my window some night and spot what appeared to be a Kanye West scuttling from tree to tree in my backyard, I'd do something drastic to defend myself. Damn right I would. And there isn't a jury in Utah that would convict me.
Perhaps we should look on the bright side of all this coulrophobia baiting. It's just possible that scaring people with fake clowns lurking in the dark makes it easier to cope with the two real ones running for president in broad daylight.
Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.