This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
Editor's note: Robert Kirby's hands are sunburned from his recent cruise and he can't type. This is a reprint of an earlier column.
Every once in a while I try to perform a public service. I slap on a little sunscreen, grab a club and go thrashing about in the woods searching for the "real" killer of O.J. Simpson's wife. Sometimes I get lucky and find my own golf ball.
O.J. recently told Katie Couric that he is spending most days of his retirement/acquittal golfing. O.J. appeared relaxed, probably because an attorney was sitting at his elbow acting as his on-screen caddy.
Even though O.J. has not yet located his wife's killers, and he owes Ron Goldman's family millions of dollars, O.J. says he is at peace with himself living in Florida where there just happen to be:
A. Lots of golf courses to continue the hunt for justice.
B. Laws that protect his money from being seized.
Golf can help you with your personal problems as well. No matter what hideous secret you may have, something about trying to knock a ball into a hole puts the world right.
Played with sufficient intensity, golf can — according to some people — cure leprosy. It can also balance the federal budget, make your mother-in-law more bearable, and even improve the weather.
OK, leprosy, the budget and your mother-in-law may still be problems. Monkey research is underway. But the weather claim is definitely true. Why else would we be watering lawns the size of Iowa in the middle of a drought?
Experts say that golf isn't played correctly until such time as you have developed an enormous obsessive-compulsive disorder. You will need one of these to perfect a golf swing.
Although golf is wildly popular, a lot of people remain uncertain whether they have what it takes to help O.J. hunt for his wife's killer. The answer, of course, is that with enough practice, you can easily be as effective as O.J.
First, you have to ask yourself if you really want to be a golfer. If the answer is "No," or even, "I would rather have a beehive shoved down the back of my pants," you should still try it at least once.
With this sort of commitment, you are ready to try a few practice swings. Do not worry if you don't have an actual golf club. You aren't ready for that just yet. It takes at least a year to position your feet correctly.
Once your feet are positioned well, go ahead and take a few practice swings with anything remotely resembling a golf club. I got my start with an uncle's wooden leg, but a rake or a pool cue work just as well.
When you can finally drive a shot glass or a cat across the privacy of your own front room, up the chimney and out of the house, you are ready to try your luck on an actual golf course.
Do not worry that more seasoned golfers will laugh at you. Any one of them could be the real killer. This is why pros always warn novice golfers about keeping their heads down.
Have fun. Take a deep breath and drive. The beauty of trying to play golf well is that pretty soon, none of your other problems matter.
Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley