This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

You've all heard the news by now. The Salt Lake Tribune is being purchased by the LDS Church, more specifically by one of its shell corporations, Huntsman Family Investments.

Huntsman Family, of course, refers to Jon Huntsman Sr., his wife, Karen, the couple's 17 children, 109 grandchildren, and at least one dog named Ralph, all of whom are Mormon.

It naturally follows — mainly to idiots — that being Mormon is the same thing as being owned by the LDS Church. After all, one of the fundamental requirements of being Mormon is to do the church's bidding at all times.

Note: It makes some sense when you think about it, but even more if you don't.

I'm a perfect example of Mormon = Mormon-owned. As a Mormon, I do my church's bidding all the time. Every column I've written for the past 25 years has been approved prior to publication by the correlation committee of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

It works like this. I write a column about glutinous space aliens who listen to the missionaries and join the church. The following week there's a potluck dinner where the new members are accidentally mistaken for Jell-O and eaten by their new ward.

The column is hand-delivered to the church office building by no fewer than two elders, who are never out of each other's sight.

There the column is closely examined in the correlation department by a guy named Ed, whose entire job with the church is to ensure that whatever Kirby writes is in complete harmony with current church doctrine.

After approximately 150 minor corrections and two major rewrites, the column is approved by a member of the church presidency, sent back to The Tribune, and published in the newspaper.

Under Mormon/Huntsman control, I fully expect this vetting process to continue. And so should you if you're a major head case.

There will be changes at the new Salt Lake Tribune. Some of the people who work here are not Mormon (and don't want to be). These people will be immediately fired. They can reapply for a job once they've been converted and baptized.

Except, of course, for editorial writer George Pyle, whom the rest of us threw from the roof of The Tribune in the extremity of our joy at being Mormon-owned. George will have to be rehired for the dead.

Those of us who are LDS will be required to have either an ecclesiastical endorsement from our bishop or a valid temple recommend before we are allowed to report on anything.

Obviously all of the coffee pots in the newsroom will have to go. This will be a severe blow to our credibility as a news organization. In this business, the value and validity of any news story is based on the amount of caffeine it took to produce it.

What else? Oh, yeah. I almost forgot the most important thing. We're getting a new office dress code. No more showing up for work in shorts, flip-flops, and a Pink Floyd T-shirt. From now on, it's white shirts and neckties for everyone. Yes, including the women.

That's about it. Except for a few minor changes, it will be business as usual here at The Salt Lake Tribune, your trusted independent LDS Church voice.

Seriously, people. We've been owned by the Huntsman family for four days now, and I'm still here. Get a grip.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley