This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

There are many things for which no person in their right mind should ever ask my advice. A short list includes counsel on finances, education, dancing, theology, table manners, street directions and diplomacy.

So I was caught completely off-guard last week when my son-in-law asked me for advice on one of the most important things in the world: parenting.

It came in the form of an email. "If you could go back, what would you change in your parenting? What pointers would you give me?"

This had to be some kind of trap. I asked Scott if his wife (my eldest daughter) had mentioned something about how she was raised — the lies, threats and curses I had used in place of any actual parenting skills.

Nope. He just wanted some advice as to what he should and shouldn't do as a father with burgeoning teenagers.

Him: "You raised three teens. What should I do?"

Me: "Dig a deep hole. Crawl into the bottom. Pull the dirt back in."

Honestly, I have no idea what I did right as a father. There must have been something because today I have three grown daughters of whom I am quite proud. All three still talk to me, visit often and have given me perfect grandchildren.

My wife and I had our first child when I was still a child myself. I was 23, which felt old at the time but today doesn't seem all that different than 13. The fact is that most people start having children when they're still kids themselves.

There was no fatherhood plan in place. My job was to love the baby, remain employed, and do whatever my wife said, including changing diapers that appeared to have been fouled by a badly frightened ape.

Things weren't always that simple, especially as our daughters became older. One by one we temporarily lost them to a hideous disease known as hormones.

This is where I learned about the fatherhood things I got wrong. For example, in a home occupied almost entirely by hormonal teenage girls, a father needs to watch his language.

If sent to the store some Sunday morning to purchase an emergency feminine hygiene product, a father should never return and say, "Here are those Smurf mattresses you wanted." Not unless he wants to go to church by himself.

What else? Oh, always know that your children are not telling you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Hell, most of the time they don't even know what that is themselves.

Don't assume this is bad. The reasons for avoiding the truth vary from deliberately trying to avoid punishment to just not wanting to hurt the feelings of someone they care about.

Never — NEVER — embarrass your teenagers in front of their significant others. If a father is stupid enough to say, "If you touch my daughter I'll neuter you with a pair of vise grips," the daughter may get even by mentioning to her mother, "Dad was shooting a rifle from the kitchen window again."

There's some other stuff a father should never do. I can't think of it right now. Hang on while I ask my wife.

...

Wow. That was a long list. Unfortunately, I've run out of space here to mention all of it.

Let me just close this out by saying that everything on the list can either be avoided or fixed with love. If you got plenty of that, the rest will almost always take care of itself.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.