This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
Editor's note • Robert Kirby's family is still trying to dig him out from under a pile of discarded wrapping paper. This is a reprint of an earlier column.
Millions of Americans spent this morning face-down on their bathroom floors. It's not what you think. Alcohol isn't the only way to experience a Christmas hangover.
Overeating is probably the worst. I spent Friday night listening to my alimentary tract make legion of the damned noises as it worked over a prime rib dinner and an entire pie.
Others awoke in fetal positions, tortured by thoughts of what they had done to their credit cards. Overspending is the No. 1 cause of morning-after-Christmas retching.
Some revelers suffer from noise-induced headaches. Small wonder. An entire day spent trapped in a confined space with over-amped children would split the skull of a rhino.
Finally, there's depression brought on by the mess. I was awakened by a dog wrapped in ribbon with fruitcake on its breath. We still can't see the front-room floor.
Most Americans understand that only time fully alleviates a Christmas hangover. It takes about a week for realization that the big day is over to sink in. You may have to assault a few bliss ninnies who won't let it go, but you'll be OK.
In the meantime, a little hair of the dog might not hurt. Sometimes the only remedy is a bit of what brought you to your low state. Few things make us happier that the big day is over than being reminded why we dreaded it in the first place.
If you really want to be over Christmas, hit the department stores right now for a little reverse shopping. The merchandise return lines at some businesses stretch all the way out into a parking lot somewhere in Japan.
Cleaning up Christmas will actually increase the clutter. The longer you wait to take it out, the more of a mess that real tree is going to make. Wait long enough and you'll still be picking up needles in March.
Try making another credit card charge, even for something as small as gum. In many cases it will fail to be approved. Some men might also wish to examine the function of your thumbs.
Remember the stress you felt in getting everyone everything for Christmas? It can be replicated by accidentally throwing some of it out. I sifted the contents of two large garbage cans yesterday, looking for a wheel to a five-dollar toy truck.
It might not hurt to back off on all the lights. Some of us are so conditioned by the flash and glow of Christmas that a turn signal could initiate another mindless spending spree.
If you let moderation get away from you this year, easy does it. Use these tips sparingly. We still have to get through New Year's.
Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.