This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Many of you will find this argumentative — either because the numbers are so low or too high — but Utah once led the nation in sound mental health.

I am not lying. According to the 1850 National Census, as reported by the Deseret News, on Aug. 31, 1851, the Territory of Utah had but five insane people and just one idiot.

It doesn't make sense, I know, but you can't argue with math, especially when it's done by an official government entity.

Utah wasn't the state with the best crazy numbers. We were actually No. 2 in that regard. The top spot in the nation went to Minnesota, with just one idiot and one insane person.

If this sounds like one imbecile too many in Zion, consider first the states who kicked out the Mormons and forced us to come to Utah and establish our own dimwit status.

Missouri reported 357 idiots, Illinois had 361, and Ohio a whopping 1,361. Iowa, where we just passed through under miserable circumstances, had 49.

Doubt the numbers if you wish, but consider that the District of Columbia in 1850 declared 13 idiots, and 23 insane people. That's almost the exact number of senators in the 31st United States Congress. How much more proof do you need?

But that was 165 years ago. The question now is, if there was only a single idiot in Utah in 1850, why are there so many now?

There's the heredity argument. Imbecility can be passed on genetically, but that's a lot of nitwits to come from just one. Maybe it was the vast Mormon emigration that brought more.

I refuse to accept the blame on behalf of my ancestors. My great-great-great grandfather Korihor Kirby and his twin brother Kishkumen didn't show up in Utah until much later.

Furthermore, the earliest census records upon which they appear lists Korihor as a "farm drudge." Kish was identified as "permanently addled," but that was because of lightning and polygamy. He was relatively normal before he got here.

No one knows exactly how many idiots reside in Utah today. The government stopped requiring idiots/crazies be listed on census forms. My guess is that the advancements of science made it harder to tell just who is a lamebrain.

What we know for sure is that 3,000,000 (give or take) live in Utah today. Most people agree on this number. What we can't agree on is the ignoramus number.

Estimates vary wildly. I've heard upward of 75 percent of the population (higher in Utah County) all the way to every single person found within the state boundaries at any given time, especially during rush hour.

Based on my observations after 45 years of living here, the number is almost exactly 452,028. That's roughly 15% of Utah's current population, which I've found to be the same percentage in any group of people going about their daily business.

Note: This doesn't include alcohol, drug, politically or hormonally fueled groups. Then the number is considerably higher.

I readily admit to being one of the 452,028 idiots residing in Utah today. You probably have your own estimate regarding how many there are, especially if you're new to Utah. This can be a crazy place.

There's plenty of space in the reader comments below this column. Go ahead and weigh in on how many dolts live in Utah. Then maybe you can explain why there's one less idiot where you came from.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.