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I'm a huge believer in church. More specifically, I'm a huge believer that when I'm in church it's imperative that I keep my meager wits about me.
Fail to pay attention and I might end up going along with something perfectly ridiculous. For example, back in the Mormon pioneer days I might have let this bit of counsel slide.
LDS Apostle Heber C. Kimball said, "I have noticed that a man who has but one wife, and is inclined to that doctrine, soon begins to wither and dry up, while a man who goes into plurality [of wives] looks fresh, young, and sprightly."
Really? I've seen photographs of my polygamous ancestors. Every one of them looks surly, badgered and bereft of hope. And those are just the men.
What would I have thought when Brigham Young preached, "If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so."
I hope that I would have had the personal courage to at least think," No it won't." Because I would have been right.
Every church/faith/creed has these moments when the person doing the preaching hits a stupid spot and keeps going.
For example, did you know that the cartoon Pokémon turned many children gay back in the '90s? I didn't either. In fact, I still wish that I didn't.
But according to Christian televangelist Creflo Dollar, cartoon characters like Weedle, Jigglypuff, Vulpix — if you watched them, played with them, or even thought about them — probably made you gay.
I'm not just picking on Dollar — who also recently asked his followers to cough up $60 million so he could buy a new Gulfstream — but rather the propensity religious figures have for being full of themselves.
I recognize that it's possible to get caught up in a moment and say utterly ridiculous things. I've done it. Hell, I do it for a living. But then I'm a self-confessed idiot.
Conversely, religious leaders like Dollar believe themselves to be the Spirit-led shepherds of other people's souls.
But claims like Pokémon turning children gay cause me a lot of internal turmoil about God. Specifically why God didn't use the material necessary to create Dollar to simply make a kangaroo instead? It would have been a lot less confusing for the rest of us.
Other gospel leaders get in on the act.
Following a 2010 earthquake that killed tens of thousands of people in Haiti, televangelist Pat Robertson declared that it was God's punishment visited on Haitians for a centuries-old bargain with the devil to free them from Napoleon.
"True story," said Robertson, who failed to say where he got it from nor if it involved Pokémon.
Forget deals with the devil and cartoons. Religious leaders have even spoken out about stuff they obviously know nothing about.
In 1615, Cardinal Bellarmine said this regarding Galileo: "To assert that the Earth revolves around the sun is as erroneous as to claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin."
Jimmy Swaggart, Christian televangelist (and sometimes patron of hookers) had this to say about chastity: "Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest."
And Jerry Falwell chimed in with, "AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."
You can't argue with the math here, people. Pokémon + gay = AIDS. Stupid cartoons.
Regardless of which faith you pursue, pay attention when anyone wanders off the subject of love one another. Chances are they'll get lost in the moment. And you don't want them taking you with them.
Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley. Find his past columns at http://www.sltrib.com/lifestyle/kirby