This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Last Sunday, we had a missionary homecoming in my LDS ward. Recently returned from the Baltic states mission, the elder spoke to a chapel packed with relatives and friends.

Note: There was even a teensy bit of room left over for those of us whose ward it actually was.

The missionary handled his subject matter well until the end. The last part of his talk was in Slovakian, though it could just as well have been reformed Martian for all the rest of us knew.

That was the extent of the homecoming; a mere 20 minutes of experiences and scripture followed by: "Hej, vsi, sem jo nazaj v enem kosu. Če to ni dokaz, da je Cerkev res ne vem, kaj je."

Google translation: "Hey, everyone, I made it home in one piece. If that isn't proof that the church is true I don't know what is."

Then it was on to the rest of the program — a musical number, two more unrelated speakers, prayer, amen, etc.

Missionary homecomings were once more elaborate affairs. The entire meeting, which invariably ran long, centered entirely on the missionary's safe return. He spoke (usually a spiritual travelogue), his parents spoke, his favorite seminary teacher spoke, a couple of friends shared their testimonies, etc.

Not anymore. Returning missionaries today are simply factored into the regular sacrament meeting, although the chapel is still packed with relatives and friends to witness the official touchdown.

Missionary farewells back in the day were even more focused on the missionary. When I left in '73, lots of people showed up — including a few Salt Lake County sheriff's deputies — just to see if I'd been lying about going. I wasn't then, but a week into the Language Training Mission made me wish I had been.

Today's more streamlined departures and arrivals are intended to keep the focus of the meeting on the gospel rather than on the missionary. Or so I've been told.

Keeping it real wasn't hard to do when there were only 50,000 missionaries coming and going. Wards averaged a farewell or homecoming once a month.

But thanks to the reduced age requirements in 2012, there are 85,000 missionaries now. And the number is rising.

According a recent statement by an LDS General Authority, the church expects to field 100,000 missionaries by the end of this decade. That will be a huge impact on some LDS wards.

Even pared down, it's going to be problematic. With returning missionaries bearing witness in Farsi, Tibetan, Apache, Mullukmulluk, sign-language, and computer code, that's a lot of meeting time spent amen-ing to who knows what?

Imagine a chapel filled with family and friends, all nodding in sage agreement with a missionary speaking some obscure language consisting of grunts, snorts, and belches.

"My mission was the worst two years of my life. I hated my companions. I got intestinal parasites. A fruit bat bit off one of my nipples. My girlfriend dumped me. My only baptism later turned out to be a monkey. Brothers and sisters, I wish I had just stayed home and apostatized. I leave this horrible truth with you in the nameā€¦"

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley. Find his past columns at http://www.sltrib.com/lifestyle/kirby