This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Robert Kirby is off. This is reprint of an earlier column.

My daughter called with a weather report. High winds had knocked over the pine tree in her front yard. Worse, the tree had flopped across the road blocking traffic.

I gave her the first advice that came to mind: "I am not a lumberjack."

Then I told her to call the county sheriff's office. Someone might need to direct traffic. But having been a cop myself, I knew what they were going to say. I started putting on my boots.

My daughter called back a few minutes later. "A deputy came by and said she wasn't a lumberjack either. Do we know any?"

"Sort of," I said. "Get all the kids and valuable pets inside and see if you can find some plasma. I'll be there in a minute."

This was a job for an expert tree surgeon or, around here, any fool with a chainsaw. Fortunately, I knew where to get both of those ­— my brother's house.

There are three types of chainsaws: gas, electric, and yankers. Most people are familiar with the first two. A yankersaw on the other hand is a manually powered chainsaw. Most people hate them.

Yankersaws are not very effective. Tugging constantly on the cord it still takes about five hours to cut through a one-inch piece of wood. Yankers are really just gas saw mopeds that won't start. Avoid them.

My brother had all the basics necessary for the job: a saw, saw oil, saw gasoline, and in case none of that worked, a dull axe and two Band-aids.

What he didn't have was any safety gear, namely steel pants, iron shoes, Plexiglas shades, chain mail gloves, and earplugs in the form of a CD player with some Van Halen.

Chopping up a fallen tree is no job for a chainsaw amateur, even one wearing a shark bite suit. We did the best chop possible, at least until the courts have their say.

Reducing a tree is a lot like cutting up a turkey. Basically you hack away at the carcass until the job is completely botched or your wife begs you to stop.

There are many techniques but the simplest is to fire up the saw and press it against the wood. As each limb falls away from the body, pause to make sure that it is not one of your legs.

Be careful. If a large rooster tail of sparks shoots out of the cut, odds are that you have passed through the softer pine or oak and into a more durable form of wood known as sidewalk.

Should the fan of sparks blossom into a large peacock's tail followed by a ringing in your ears and a quick air trip to Nevada, you have encountered what is known as a gas main.

For best results, you will need three people: a cutter and two snatchers. One person cuts while the snatchers rush in, seize a severed branch and run away with it before anything bad happens to them.

We managed to get most of the tree out of the road. There was still a lot to be done. Hopefully the "free firewood" sign we nailed to the stump will take care of that.