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Gomberg: Here are the secrets nobody actually tells you about becoming a parent

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Marina Gomberg is surprised by all of the things no one told her before Harvey came into the world. Now she's compiling a list of tips for new parents.

I was holding Harvey while Elenor filled our coffee tumblers when Harvey in half flirtation and half utilitarian face wiping buried his snotty nose into the sleeve of my blouse.

I’d been snotted.

That morning had been particularly intense and we were already running a little late, so I wiped off what I could, took one for the team and walked boldly out into the world.

It got me thinking.

Nobody warned me this would happen. Nobody told me that someday I’d think going to work with the remnants of a toddler’s boogers on my shoulder was an OK thing to do (much less the right thing to do). And nobody told me I would do baby talk — sometimes even in public. I was definitely not properly warned about the belly button healing process, or that it’s normal to see your babe’s heartbeat on the top of their head (don’t worry, it’s not the brain trying to leap out of their skull or a baby aneurysm).

You know what else surprised me? How unreasonable kids are. They don’t like NAPS and EATING! These are two of life’s greatest pleasures and they’ll often fight to the death to avoid them. It makes zero sense.

Well, it’s high time there’s a gentle warning for aspiring and soon-to-be parents, so we asked The Tribune’s Facebook friends to share what surprised them about parenthood.

With their colorful, hilarious and sometimes really real feedback, I think we’ve gotten a good list started (and you can visit the post to read people’s original answers and see who is responsible for which pieces of brilliance). Future parents and future now-definitely-kidless-adults, you’re welcome.

  • You could arrive somewhere with your shirt on inside out and still somehow feel a sense of pride because, booyah, you’re wearing a shirt and you arrived on time.

  • You will willingly catch all manner of bodily fluids and excrement. In your hands.

  • There’s so. much. poop. Imagine a gargantuan amount of poop. Then double it. And it’s even more than that.

  • For the first six months of your kid’s life, showering daily is heroic (read: impossible) and looking even moderately fancy requires herculean effort (10 points if you can get mascara even on one eye).

  • Your parental success rates can fluctuate between pure genius to absolute failure in under a minute, say, the time it takes to give your kidlet a fun toy to quiet their tantrum that they promptly put in their mouth and try to inhale.

  • Kids alter the time-space continuum. Life somehow speeds up (how is my kid already one when I was just pregnant like two months ago!?) while time moves at a glacial pace when you’re trying to get somewhere.

  • Beds with sleeping kids in them are actually only a fraction of their perceived size (meaning, the babe-sprawl makes it so you’ll get to take up seven inches at the foot of the bed if your pet isn’t already there).

  • Kids’ songs are the most powerful earworms of all time. In fact, I’m humming Sesame Street’s “Number of the Day” as I write this (What’s the number? Stomp, stomp! What’s the number? Stomp, stomp!).

  • You’re going to find yourself saying the most bizarre things, some of which might include exasperated reminders not to lick, well, anything in public or that ranch is a dressing and not a beverage.

  • You’ll never un-feel that Lego underfoot, but you’ll become remarkably adept at cursing inaudibly.

  • And, the best part is that something changes when you become a parent — something inexplicable that makes the gruelling and increasingly complex nature of rearing young feel like the best thing that has ever happened. It’s something that changes your brain waves so that no matter the amount of bodily fluids and tantrums, the second your kiddo smiles, your heart explodes. It feels like the moment you hear your raffle ticket number called combined with the time you see someone’s reverse lights appear when you’re desperate for a parking spot, coupled with the feeling you get when a long-awaited package arrives on your birthday and when you snag a big old piece of peanut butter in your chocolate ice cream and a rainbow appears and lightning flashes in the sky that spells out your name. It is the very best.

Consider yourself warned.

Marina Gomberg’s lifestyle columns appear on sltrib.com. She is a communications professional and lives in Salt Lake City with her wife, Elenor Gomberg, and their son, Harvey.