This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Editor's note: Robert Kirby is on vacation. This is a reprint of an earlier column.

If you plan to track down and slay your own Christmas tree this year, it is time to hone your woodland skills by making a list.

You will need a vehicle, chainsaw, gloves, rope, some dynamite, one or more dogs, a mirror to signal searchers, a CB radio, a cyanide pill, and a thermos of hot chocolate, coffee, and/or whiskey to wash it down.

Hunting trees used to be easier. Our pioneer ancestors just plodded off into the woods with nothing but an ax. If the natives and the animals let them return, they came home dragging a tree.

But it took a lot of Christmas trees to build a log cabin, so repeated trips were necessary. We are lucky because we only need to make one trip, although it might last weeks and end up in a North Carolina mental institution.

If it is a free-range tree you seek — as opposed to a farm tree or an already dead tree from a lot — it is a good idea to let someone know where you plan to hunt in case something goes wrong.

Be specific. A note saying, "Utah and most of Colorado" probably won't do search and rescue personnel much good.

Hunting Christmas trees is similar to hunting deer in that a permit is required. Also, you can get arrested for killing the wrong tree, too many trees, or, hell, just for being drunk.

There is a bright side. Unlike deer, trees are not particularly sneaky and they don't move very fast, so even the simplest idiot can bag one if the wife stays home.

Most Christmas tree hunting accidents occur as a result of someone making too much noise. No amount of whispering will stop this person from yelling, "That one is too big" or "That one is too ugly."

Even when hand signals are used to indicate, "This is what I think of your opinion," the noisemaker continues to insist loudly that the perfect tree is just around the bend in another county.

If the noise continues unabated for hours the offender is often forcibly ejected from the moving vehicle and left in the wilderness.

Assuming, however illogically, that a tree is spotted which everyone agrees is a good one, be it Douglas fir, Scotch pine, or even untraditional Russian olive, you still need to kill it and get it home.

This can be a messy business because trees, even junipers and willows, are wild creatures and will fight. Trees have been known to fall on predators, scratch them, and even cave in the roofs of their vehicles.

If the tree is successfully taken and strapped to a still existing roof, you must get it home and into the house quickly before it wakes up. Life ebbs slowly from trees and they will fight being dragged through a door.

Unlike deer heads, a mounted Christmas tree must be watered to keep it from drying out and turning into a firebomb at an inopportune moment.

When the specimen is decorated and personal injuries dressed, it is time to sit back and enjoy the conquest over nature by illogically insisting that a wild tree is cheaper than a store-bought tree.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.