This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2017, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

The only time I ever got knocked around in church was by my father. He had zero tolerance for irreverence. He knew it was a sign of the demon lurking in me.

If I intentionally dribbled sacrament water on my little brother's pants so it looked like he wet himself — and I'm not admitting that I did — I might have gotten a rap on my head from the Old Man.

Me: "Ow! What'd I do?"

Him: "If you don't know, the demon inside you does. Ask it."

Although the Old Man never said so, he probably figured it was better to knock the demon back inside me than to let it get out all the way.

I didn't appreciate these drubbings at the time, but today I can't say I blame my father. The things that ran around inside my mind during church … well, they sometimes scared even me.

With this kind of attitude, I might fit right in with the Word of Faith Fellowship in Spindale, N.C. A minister and four congregants allegedly kidnapped and tried to beat the gay out of a fellow member.

Matthew Fenner, the guy with the alleged gay demon inside him, said he was punched and choked in December 2014 "to break me free of the homosexual demons they so viciously despise."

Let me first say that I wasn't aware that demons had a sexual identity. I always thought they came in asexual small, medium and large sizes. My personal one is a 2X.

It's beyond me that anyone would think that it was possible to beat demons out of someone. Heretofore, my experience has all been about punching them back in.

Never mind that. I'm willing to concede that Fenner's former church associates may have thought they were doing him a favor by thumping his head for God. It's stupid, but I can see the logic — if I squint really, really hard.

Fenner, who has since decided that Word of Faith Fellowship is not for him, testified Thursday that the minister, Brooke Covington, 58, justified the beating by telling him, "God said there is something wrong in your life."

What? Hell, there's something wrong in everyone's life. If it's possible to beat the gay out of someone, why aren't these same helpful beatings being meted out to those possessed of pride, lust, greed, envy, sloth and so on? Aren't those demons as well?

Maybe not. If lust were a demon, and such laying on of hands was necessary to free me, I would have been beaten to death before I finished puberty, thank you very much, Miss April, 1966.

But let's not be hasty. There may yet be a place for "corporal blessing" in religion. Give it a think, and be honest. How likely would you be to say something vile to someone if several fellow parishioners were standing by to help you find charity in your heart through a concussion? Would you still be able to covet your neighbor's wife and man servant while having your frightened hams flogged with a belt?

Nope. From experience, I can tell you that stuff like that really shifts your focus. It might not turn your mind to God, but it will definitely get it off everything else. At least for a while.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.