This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2017, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

When I was a teenager, we routinely had dances after "Mutual," which is what Mormons back then called the weekly youth gathering every Tuesday evening.

Mutual was a high-priority event. In the furthest reaches of the "mission field" (anywhere but Utah) it was about the only time young Mormons had to socialize on a potentially romantic basis.

It was so important that if someone — I'm not saying who — were to suggest going downtown to shoplift beer after school, one of my friends might say, "No, dude. It's Mutual tonight."

Today, whenever I hear "Hey, Jude," by The Beatles, "Crimson and Clover" by Tommy James and the Shondells or "Itchycoo Park" by Small Faces, it takes me back to a darkened cultural hall in a Southern California ward.

There were rules. After all, it was still church. They were common sense rules. No alcohol, tobacco and/or firearms were allowed. Nor were we permitted to dance close enough to give each other hickeys during slow songs.

The rules, indeed the dances themselves, were overseen by Brother Hadley, who understood teenagers and was therefore deemed far-out. The only time he ever had to say anything to me was when I invented a dance called "The Dog Has Worms." It didn't catch on.

All of that was long ago. I haven't been to a church dance in more than 40 years. I don't know what the rules are now, but they have to be better than these rules I found in a Utah newspaper from 1917.

A hundred years ago, way before the evils of Elvis Presley and Chuck Berry, LDS stakes in Weber and Davis counties were concerned that dances involving the actual touching of members of the opposite sex might get out of hand.

So, naturally, they made a calling out of it. Here's a list of what was expected at Mormon dances then:

• Each ward shall appoint and maintain a dance manager.

• It will be the dance manager's job to thoroughly educate himself regarding ballroom etiquette and the techniques of all approved dances, including those covered by city and county ordinances.

• A dance manager's class will be established in which each ward manager will be required to attend. The ward will pay all the dance manager's expenses.

• The dance managers of the various stakes shall meet together at least once a month to discuss and legislate which dances are wholesome.

• At least one member of each ward's bishopric shall be in attendance at all dances. The bishop shall invite three or more parent couples to attend each dance without price of admission.

• The dance manager shall be responsible for the proper, clean, orderly condition of the hall.

• No person under 14 years of age shall be admitted to ward dances unless accompanied by parent of guardian.

• Ward dances shall commence at 8:30 p.m. and close at 11:30 p.m. All dances shall be invitational.

• At no time shall anyone be admitted to a ward dance stark naked, unless accompanied by a monkey.

I made up the last one. I was getting bored. Still, it seems like a lot of bother just to keep people from falling into the clutches of Satan at a church dance.

Maybe I just missed my time. If I'd been alive back then and called as the ward dance manager, I could have banished any idea of unchaste behavior by just making everyone dance "The Dog Has Worms."

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.