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I have a letter from the White House on my desk. At least I think it is. I might have it confused with a piece of junk mail. That's close enough.

Anyway, the point is that President Donald Trump seems to have personally contacted me for help in developing an effective immigration solution. The one he's started working on has already run into major opposition.

I fail to see why everyone is so upset about the current travel ban and the number of immigrants in America. It just requires a bit of tinkering.

The plan I will submit to the White House isn't so much a question of who gets to come to America, but rather who gets to stay. Just because you were born here doesn't qualify you for American citizenship. We need to do a background check.

First, the good news. If your DNA proves that you're American Indian, you automatically get to stay. Fair is fair. Your people got here first and killed all the saber-toothed tigers.

Then there's a matter of black people. Prove that your ancestors were dragged to America in chains and you also get to stay. You earned it. Besides, who the %&%@ wants to live in a country without the blues?

Who else? Oh, yeah, Mexicans. In point of fact, most Hispanics have Native American blood in the them. They all get to stay, especially Carlos Santana.

If you start yelling about the amount of drugs Mexicans have shipped into this country, please consider that we probably wouldn't have needed them if the rest of us hadn't screwed things up. Everyone who ever made me want to take drugs was clearly of European extract.

That covers who automatically gets a pass. What about those who have yet to prove they deserve to be here?

First, we get rid of those who haven't sacrificed for American liberty. If anyone in your family relocated to America after the Civil War, then pack your $&*#%. You're technically a thankless, freeloading immigrant.

How about a loophole here? If no one in the past two generations of your family has served in the U.S. military, then you either commit to two years of immediate national service or get out. Physical limitations don't matter. America will find something you can do.

Criminals. Anyone convicted of a crime constituting a violent felony, or found guilty of child abuse, has to leave. Preferably by catapult.

Finally, there's religion. Anyone who belongs to a faith that has predicted the end of the world on a specific day or year will have to scram. America has enough problems without a bunch of pinheads telling everyone that fixing the world is a moot point.

I figure these basic rules/laws, including the odd loophole, will reduce America's population by at least two-thirds, leaving about 110 million. That's plenty of room for some extra hard-working immigrants looking to improve the lives of their children.

I know what you're thinking. "This guy is out of his mind." Well, there's that of course. But at least some of you are wondering where all the rejects will go. Fair question, especially if you might be one of them.

Answer: We buy a large, remote island and put them there.

Granted, the dumping of 200,000,000 new immigrants on an island where they are forced to live on top of each other, fight over food and clean water, live exposed to the elements, and are constantly at the mercy of marauding warlords will be something of a problem for them.

You'd definitely want to go somewhere else, right? Well, that's exactly how the people who want to come here feel about where they are right now. Maybe it's time they had a turn with what we take for granted.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.