This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Fox Business Network personality Lou Dobbs posted Saturday this statement about presidential contender Evan McMullin on Twitter:

"Look Deeper, He's nothing but a Globalist, Romney and Mormon Mafia Tool #MAGA #AmericaFirst #TrumpPence16 #TrumpTrain #Dobbs."

Like many Mormons of my type, my first reaction was one of complete outrage. "Wait. We got a mafia? How come I've never been called to someone's house in the middle of the night to give them a blessing bullet in the back of the head?"

But then I immediately realized that Lou Dobbs, who I have never heard utter a word before unless it was by accident, is a loon and was twittering out of his fundament.

This in no way means that I believe the LDS Church isn't capable of dealing with its enemies in underhanded ways. Wire-tapping, brake-tampering, covert surveilling, background-checking, and maybe even laxative-enhanced potluck dinners.

I swear that I had a missionary companion who was a Mormon mafia plant. Or perhaps just a humorless android.

It's all possible for those with overactive imaginations. I can only say that none of it has ever happened to me while I've been paying attention. And I'd like to think I would have noticed a Mormon mafia.

But so what if I didn't? Let's consider for a moment that LDS leaders have done something to me. Maybe they've tapped my phone or sent someone to follow me. I know this would bother a lot of people, just not me.

What would the MM find out about me by tapping my phone that would be of some great concern to them or me? Would I care if someone was snapping photos of me while I mowed my lawn or took my garbage out? No.

At best they would learn that I'm even lazier than they already suspect, and my caffeine intake is not only far beyond what the Word of Wisdom allows, but also of some serious concern to my doctor.

On the other hand, I would be deeply alarmed if they sent someone to break my thumbs for not covering the vig on back tithing.

But you want to know the scary part? Suppose there is a Mormon mafia and I really am part of it.

My mission is to search out potential traitors by writing a column that stirs speculation and even temptation among the ranks of the disaffected and marginal Mormons alike.

Yeah, I surreptitiously lure these potential rat bas#@*$ to a doctrinal point where — SNAP! — the jaws of ecclesiastical sanctions close on them. Next thing they know, they're wearing a cement necktie and sleeping with the brine shrimp.

Would it make you nervous if I was secretly conveying to President Samuel H. "Settlement Sammy" Benson a list of everyone who visited my column online? It just might keep you from getting an impressive calling.

You'll know I'm part of the MM if I accurately predict that tomorrow Lou Dobbs is discovered bound and half-naked behind a Washington, D.C., LDS stake center with his hams hot-glue-gunned together as warning?

Sorry, I'm not that clever or controllable. And I don't think the leaders of the church would stoop low enough to use someone like me if I were.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.