This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

For reasons almost certainly particular to my own psychology, I'm not worried about LDS Church leaders. What? No, not even the really important ones like apostles and prophets.

They're guides, counselors and spiritual leaders, to be sure. But my church's leaders really don't have any more authority over my life than what I'm willing to grant them. They can't, for example, ground me, send me to bed early, or even speak harshly enough to hurt my feelings.

I haven't viewed a church leader as a threat since I was a Trail Builder boy in Primary and wouldn't stop telling everyone that Duncan was wearing Casper the Friendly Ghost underpants. At her wit's end, Sister Hess threatened to tell the bishop, who I knew would inevitably tell my father.

Correctly interpreting this as the precursor to an #$@-beating severe enough to cause a brain concussion, I lapsed into a form of resentful reverence that has served me well ever since.

Not all Mormons see church authority this way. Following last week's column on the possibility of electing our leaders rather than waiting for them to be called, I received this from an offended reader:

"Your column on this topic was an affront to God. I am turning you into the STMC. Hopefully you will be excommunicated! In addition to the Strengthening the Members Committee, I am going to find who your stake president and bishop are and make sure they see this article."

I'm not sure this threat of exposure was given the thought it deserved. If the topic indeed was an affront to God, why would I bother worrying about my bishop and stake president?

Neither of them has the authority to kill me, whereas God wouldn't need to clear it with anyone. I'd just fall over dead or break out in boils.

To spare him the aggravation of research, I sent the reader the names of my bishop and stake president, as well as my ward (Pioneer 6th) and stake (Herriman Utah Pioneer Stake).

I didn't send him their contact information because, well, why would I do that to them? They leave me alone. It wouldn't seem fair to expose them to the rant of someone so easily confused by the true spiritual line of church authority punishment.

The truth is that I've never had a real church authority threaten me, including the times I've been asked to meet with them. There may have been times when they hoped it was coming across that way, but it never happened.

The closest it ever came to a real threat as an adult was on my mission, when a district leader got mad at me for not calling him one night. When he finally got in touch with me, he was furious and ordered — yeah, that's what I thought too — ORDERED me to call and report to him every night from then on.

I didn't. Partly because I considered him to be a hemorrhoid with a necktie, but also because I didn't think threats were the way real gospel work got done. That and I was lazy.

The way I think it gets done is easier. My bishop calls me up, asks me to do something, perhaps even something onerous. We talk it over. I either respect him enough to oblige, or I don't. Fear never enters into it. It's pure election.

I think that's the way it should work with God as well.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.