This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
Editor's note • Robert Kirby is up to no good elsewhere. This is a reprint of an earlier column.
It comes as no surprise that people like me perceive few heavenly manifestations. I'm not saying that God doesn't send them. Only that subtlety is wasted on simpletons and miscreants.
People like me require major signs. Angels and flaming swords are good. Water walking is better. Visions. I've never had one but I hear they're serious attention-getters.
Unfortunately, faith requires more of a low-key approach. The Spirit seems to spend most of its time whispering. Also, you apparently have to be good or special to get these signs, and I am lamentably neither.
On the other hand, there is some measure of comfort in the possibility that I miss these manifestations because it never occurs to me to watch for them in a chicken's bottom.
According to a Metro Network's Religion Report, a chicken in Kazakhstan laid an egg with the word "Allah" on the shell. The holy egg was laid following a powerful hailstorm.
The village mosque confirmed the egg's spelling, and that the village plans to keep the egg because, well, you simply don't go around making Denver omelets out of miracles.
I am not making fun of Muslims. I like all but two of the Muslims I know, and only one of them is a complete moron. This is about all faiths.
The Allah egg is no stranger to me than Catholics spotting the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich or charismatic Christians relying on the forbearance of reptiles, or a Mormon who serves a mission because of a message he saw in a garage floor stain.
What I find troubling about these "signs" is that they always seem to be a message in support of the viewer's preexisting faith rather than a call to serve everyone.
You never hear of someone biting into a bagel and finding a message that transcends all theologies. Granted, it would be difficult even for the Lord to make "Everyone in the world is your brother, you fathead" legible in a knothole in a tree, but you know what I mean.
I'm left with the notion that dogmatism drives some people to see divine manifestations in screwy places, or the more troubling possibility that such a fumbling effort to get our attention could only be the handiwork of an inept God.
Again, I am not saying that our creator doesn't move in mysterious ways, or that manifestations do not come to individuals in personalized form. I am suggesting that signs that really matter are a lot more obvious.
Want a real sign from God? You won't find it up the backside of a chicken. Look into the eyes of abused children, the forgotten elderly, and anyone whose lot in life is worse than yours.
Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.