This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Editor's note: Robert Kirby is risking his life in Canada. This is a reprint of an earlier column.

Federal agents are conducting a background check to see if my wife — a foreign national — has any known connections with terror groups plotting violence against American citizens. The investigation began when my wife was listed on a loan application at a local bank. Before the bank would give the money to a noncitizen, Homeland Security had to conduct a "terror check."

In typical federal investigative fashion, the obvious was immediately overlooked. No one asked the guy who's been married to her for more than 40 years. Yeah, she's a terrorist.

I should point out that my wife is not of Middle Eastern extraction. She does not belong to an extremist religion. Nor does she end every utterance with "death to America."

She's from Canada. Her last name is Jones. She says "eh?" at the end of everything. And her chief grudge against the U.S. is that we don't put gravy on french fries.

Canada does not export terrorism, nor is it a place where lots of terrorism occurs. The last major Canadian terror incident was when some Mounties shot an angry moose in the saskatoon. I'm not sure what part of the moose that is.

Never mind that. My wife still qualifies as a terrorist. I base this on three facts that should be obvious to anyone who isn't a federal agent.

1. I am an American citizen. 2. She terrifies the hell out of me. 3. The federal government can't seem to stop her.

Because my wife is a fundamentalist when it comes to "adult responsibility," our ideologies differ drastically. I've been living in the various terror alert stages for years. The attacks range from threatening divorce to a cold-blooded demand that I share my feelings.

GREEN: A low probability of an attack, or the condition most men are in during that time known as "courtship." I haven't seen Green since 1976.

BLUE: Slightly elevated threat. Negotiation is still possible, but you'd better not let your guard down by believing that she really does want to know what you think.

YELLOW: This stage typically exists whenever she says something like, "Where's the [car/cat/credit card]?"

ORANGE: The potential for an attack is high. It automatically exists whenever I have been somewhere with Larry or Sonny, if she finds a credit card receipt for more than $20, or if I hedge about why the garage/basement smells like smoke.

RED: An attack is imminent. In fact, I can count on one if I have used any appliance in a manner not intended by the manufacturer, or she has to come to the emergency room to get me.

You can't fight terror like this. It's best to just give her the money.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.