This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

A Texas teenager is in trouble. Not trouble like normal people know it. Ethan Couch, 18, isn't starving, dying, homeless, in debt, or even particularly inconvenienced. He just doesn't realize what all the holler and bother is about.

In 2013, Ethan killed four people in a drunken-driving episode. His blood-alcohol level, as defined by Texas state law, was, "So drunk he couldn't tell which one of his boots was filled with pee."

During Ethan's trial, a psychiatrist claimed Ethan suffered from "affluenza," a condition caused by being surrounded by wealth and privilege his entire young life to the point where he was clinically incapable of not being stupid.

Earlier this week, Ethan was on "vacation" in Mexico with his mom, Tonya Couch, when authorities arrested them for fleeing the U.S. to avoid prosecution for violating his probation.

In truth, affluenza is not a new disease. The rich — including mature adults — have always struggled with it. It's only just now getting the attention it deserves because someone used a catchy term to describe what the rest of us refer to by the more generic "spoiled rottenness."

You'll probably hear about Ethan's condition more often now. Everyone is looking for a previously undiagnosed medical reason for whatever is wrong with them.

For example, I suffer from a rare condition that prevents me from caring about many social norms that are of grave concern to others. It is derived from the word apathy, as in, "Hi, my name is Kirby and I am an 'apatholic.' "

Stop laughing. This is serious. You have no idea how many jobs and relationships are ruined by apatholisism. Besides, you have your own worries. You might be afflicted by one or more of these previously unheard of diagnoses.

Passionism. This refers to the illness of being so deeply concerned about something that it causes an otherwise healthy person to go from being an activist to an a**hole merely by opening his or her mouth.

Being a passionist sounds harmless, but it's not. More than a few people have stopped getting invited to gatherings and parties because of their inability to talk about something other than the emancipation of monkeys, or the global effects of free-range flatulence.

If you're under the age of 25, the odds of you contracting one of many STDs (Stupid Text Driving) are huge. Worse, there are no known cures for Stupid Text Driving short of a complete amputation of service.

Oftentimes people don't even know they have an STD until they find themselves driving in a river or see the butt-end of a slow-moving semi coming through their windshield.

Die-arrhea is another illness gaining ground. The primary symptom is an obsession with cyberlists of common things that will probably kill you unless you read the list and take the appropriate precautions.

I could, if I were inclined to start a stampede of die-arrhea sufferers, casually remark on how lethal a medium-size piece of lint is to the average unaware sleeper — whoa! Everyone out of the way.

Obliviosis. If you've ever found yourself tooling along in the left lane and singing an oldies tune while your turn signal blinks and traffic stacks up behind you, then you have obliviosis bad. Likewise if anyone has ever had to slap you across the back of the head to get your meager attention.

Get checked out, people. Keep visiting mental health counselors until you find one that will tell you what is wrong with you. There's got to be something.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.