This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
Nearly 400 new laws go into effect today. If you break one of them, that's OK. The Legislature has asked me to let you know that you're not expected to get them right immediately.
This grace or "warning" period only lasts 1.5 seconds from reading this. In other words, right … NOW!
You're now required to obey every word of the new laws, even if you don't know about them.
Perhaps we should go over a few of the really important new laws. The product of deep legislative thought, they can be quite confusing.
For example, did you know that it's now legal to execute homosexuals by firing squad if they are convicted of not sharing a cow?
Wait, that's not right. Better let me read the law again. Hang on.
OK, what SB296 actually does is ban all housing and employment discrimination against lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender people.
Well, that makes sense. I have no idea how I got a cow mixed up in that, but it does illustrate just how tricky new laws can be. What's even stupider is that we needed a law like that in the first place.
Also on the books now is a much more draconian enforcement of the safety belt law. Sponsored by my friend (even though he's a %$*! Republican) Sen. Lee Perry, I happen to agree 100 percent with making not buckling up a primary offense.
What it means is that cops can now pull us over if they just see us not wearing a seat belt. Incidentally, I've read the law and can say with some authority that duct tape does not constitute a seat belt any more than having a dog or a child on one's lap constitutes an acceptable airbag.
Heretofore, not wearing seat belts was considered a secondary offense, meaning the police could stop and cite us for failure to wear a safety belt only if we first shot at them with firearms larger than .30 caliber.
Speaking of which, it is once again legal to shoot prison inmates by firing squad. Not all of them. Only the ones sentenced to death, and even then only after about 15 years of appeal.
The firing squad will serve as a backup in the event that the poison currently used in lethal injections becomes scarce.
My personal favorite among our new laws is the one creating a white-collar crime registry for @#%*#s convicted of fraud. Since this is Utah, I anticipate the registry immediately growing to the size of a phone book.
The new law that I like the least is the one banning powdered alcohol. I didn't even know there was such a thing before it became illegal in Utah, thanks to Rep. Steven Eliason.
Eliason is a Republican, which generally means being a staunch (to the point of lunacy) supporter of the Second Amendment. I read his bill and there isn't a single word in it about testing powdered alcohol for use as a propellant in a cannon. For shame.
Sonny and I would have tested it for free. If successful, this new propellant would have fit nicely with Sen. Evan Vickers' HB0230 to help manage prairie dogs. There is no better way of managing prairie dogs than a cannon loaded with 10 pounds of marbles.
In all, there are more than 500 new laws and resolutions. If you want to read them, go to http://le.utah.gov/asp/passedbills/passedbills.asp
I did. It's how I finally learned about Rep. Marc Roberts' HB104 that requires people to register as fraudsters before attempting to sell time-shares on cows. Or something like that.
Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley. Find his past columns at http://www.sltrib.com/lifestyle/kirby