This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Robert Kirby took the day off to blow his nose. This is a reprint of an earlier column.

Allergy season officially began at 3:17 in the morning.

In my dream, the attractive Amazons who had captured me suddenly stopped making carnal threats and instead pounded two muskrats up my nostrils. I chain-sneezed until dawn.

It happens like this every year. Not the Amazon part. Once it was the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. No, I mean the part where my sinus slams shut and my nose starts drooling like a hound dog at the dinner table.

In one moment life is good. It's spring. The sun is out. But then somewhere a plant has sex and life becomes intolerable. Within minutes my face is an open wound, my eyeballs poached in Tabasco sauce.

Logically, I understand there are worse ailments to have. Cancer, leprosy, the plague and even federal audits have been known to cause death. What makes hay fever so bad is that it doesn't.

Some relief is available. And by this I don't mean charging your sinuses with Freon. That's against the law. I'm talking about medication.

Many allergy sufferers are at this very moment laughing through mucous. Depending on what a person is allergic too, medication can be a really poor joke.

I have never been able to find a medication that completely alleviated my allergy symptoms. Claritin, Singulair, Flonase, I've tried them all. The only one that ever really worked was Stolichnaya. It's a Russian vodka. Take as needed until you pass out.

The first part in the fight against seasonal allergies is to find what you're allergic to. It could be anything. If you're dying right now like me, it's probably elm.

Doctors say that if you know what you're allergic to, you can try to avoid it by remaining indoors. Advice like this should require jail time. Hell, I was inside and in bed when I was attacked.

I prefer my own methods of coping. Eye drops are nice, but I have achieved far superior results by pushing ice cubes under my eyelids.

Do not spend big money on professional grade sinus scratchers. Make your own out of coat hangers and boat hooks.

If you could avoid pollen in the first place, you wouldn't have to worry. Unfortunately, a pollen particle is almost as small as the public conscience. Don't waste your time.

Some people wear pollen masks. Forget it. The only way to avoid inhaling pollen is to encase your head in Vaseline and learn to breathe through your navel.

The worst part of allergies for me is snot. Sorry. I know that was crude. However, when you're manufacturing your weight in phlegm every hour, there's really no point in being polite about it.

When the sneezing is all spread and done, there's really only one way to spell allergy relief: W-I-N-T-E-R.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley. Find his past columns at http://www.sltrib.com/lifestyle/kirby