This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Editor's note: Robert Kirby is on vacation. This is a reprint.

Take your tree down yet? Mine's in a box by the door. I tore it down five minutes after the last gift was unwrapped. It was easy.

After 25 years, my wife and I decided to part from the purer Christmas faith and buy a fake tree. The idea being that a fake tree would be more cost effective, less messy and much safer than the real thing.

As usual, this knowledge was gained the hard way. Over the years, we've experienced several serious Christmas tree mishaps.

• When we dragged our 1977 tree into the front room, a small rodent jumped out, which our Alaskan Husky then vigorously pursued and killed to the tune of $250 in damage.

• The same dog whizzed on our 1978 Christmas tree, ruining a gift-wrapped leather coat hidden beneath.

• Our 1982 Christmas tree caught fire and scorched the roof of our car when, while bringing it home from the lot, a passing motorist flicked a cigarette butt into it.

• The 1984 tree leaked sap all over our kids' heads, the carpet, the sofa and a new sweater.

None of these would have happened with a fake tree. It made sense then to get a fake one. That and get rid of the dog.

We soon discovered that no matter how much money you're willing to spend, a fake Christmas tree always looks fake. That's because fake Christmas tree manufacturers try to make their trees look like real trees. To wit: green and healthy.

No Christmas tree manufacturer ever said, "I know, let's make a fake tree that looks like it was cut down in July, stored in Death Valley until November, then transported from Washington to Utah by way of Florida on a flatbed truck — in a non-stop hailstorm.

We paid $129 bucks for a seven-foot job that, if you squint hard and stand far enough away, looks exactly like our Christmas trees of years gone by. If you don't, it looks like a pristine, fresh-cut Norwegian pine. The branches are lush, green and contain no squirrels.

Several things I noticed right away about our faux tree caused me to understand that it would change Kirby Christmases forever. First was that the tree came disassembled in a box tidy enough to get through the front door without injury.

This is a big deal for me. In years past, forcing large Christmas trees through the door always left me looking like I'd fought a panther to a draw. Last year was my first bloodless Christmas.

I shout fewer Christmas curses with a fake tree. No more homicidal fits while trying to get the damn tree to stand sufficiently straight enough to please my wife.

Then there's the safety angle. Some of our past Christmas trees have been less than fresh. The word "kindling" wouldn't have done them justice. A couple of these tanen-bombs were so dry when we bought them that there was some concern the pilot light in the basement might set them off before the big day.

Best of all, there's no disposal problems with a fake Christmas tree. You don't have to worry about which back road you're going to dump it on this year. Nor will it hang around in the yard until it spontaneously combusts.

The only drawback is that I can't work out any Christmas stress by chopping the tree to pieces with an ax. There was a time when that was great post-Christmas therapy.

A fake tree goes right back into the box from whence it sprang, there to wait green and safe and forgotten until the following Christmas. If I could come up with a way to do the exact same thing with fruitcake, carolers and my kids, Christmas this year would have been perfect.

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