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It just isn't Christmas without snow. My grandkids arrived at this conclusion while looking out the window last week. The lawn and driveway were bare.

They've had snowless Christmases before, but nevertheless expect the day to be white. The season isn't the same if it isn't a winter wonderland of snow, ice and profanity.

No. 1: "What will Santa land his sleigh on?"

No. 2: "We can't go sledding on Christmas."

No. 3: "Papa doesn't yell bad words at the snow blower."

No. 4: "Yeah, it isn't Christmas if Grammy doesn't lock him out of the house."

Speaking of torture, their grandmother is no help. Raised in eastern Canada, my wife insists that real Christmases have snow nine feet deep and that frostbite of the pancreas is the price carolers are willing to pay for spreading annoya— I mean cheer.

"One year the snow was 37 feet deep," she recalls with fondness. "Wolves ate the mailman right on our porch. It was so Christmassy."

I get it. Everything about Christmas says snow. Even people who live in deserts and jungles expect Santa to be wearing a snowsuit and not a lavalava.

It's the fault of corporate conditioning. Santa doesn't wear flip-flops. He wears boots. Christmas trees are pines and fir, not palms and mangroves. And nobody ever tries to sell a flocked rubber tree.

Christmas lights are intended to reflect off snow-covered eves. A house with 10,000 lights and no snow doesn't say "Christmas." It says "casino."

Ninety-nine percent of all pictures of Christmas feature snow. No one looks at the Sahara Desert in December and automatically thinks of Santa Claus, carolers and dashing about in one-horse open sleigh.

Note: Yeah, I know that lots of places don't get snow for Christmas. I've lived in some of them. But we still sent out Christmas cards with pictures of snow and reindeer on them. No Christmas card company manufactures cards featuring dirt and Gila monsters.

Even most nativity scenes have piles of dirty snow in them. It seems odd given the birth of Jesus occurred in the Middle East, but look closely. The snow is actually sheep just standing in the background.

Google "Norman Rockwell Christmas" and you'll see that the great Americana illustrator's seasonal work is all about snow. It's a scene that doesn't register on the bottom half of the world.

I spent my LDS mission in South America. Down there the seasons are reversed. December is in the middle of summer. It's hard to think of what you want for Christmas when the temperature is 95 degrees. Add 90 percent humidity and it's hard to think at all.

One of the elders made himself a Santa suit to wear while giving presents out to the kids. The suit was heavy red material trimmed with cotton batting. That, a hat, boots and gloves got him heatstroke for Christmas.

All of this is made worse when normally there is snow for Christmas and suddenly there isn't. Obviously something has to be done in order to have the perfect day.

In an effort to make the day perfect for my grandkids, I bought a snow cone machine. If the weather fails to cooperate, I'll be ready.

If I turn down the thermostat and work through the night, I can at least make sure the front room is Christmassy.

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