This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Forty years ago I was part of an LDS Church mission conference, listening to a major church leader talk about things that would occur before the Second Coming.

Reckoning that I would be one of those getting burned during this noteworthy event, I paid attention. I was relieved to learn that the Lord wouldn't be returning anytime soon.

Among other things, the leader announced, "There will be missions, wards and stakes in Russia and Red China."

Since there were less than a dozen Mormons in those two countries at the time, most of whom were probably getting their home teaching done in gulags, I took from this that I had plenty of time to shape up and repent.

But this was long ago, back when the idea of missionaries knocking on doors in communist countries was the stuff of fantasy. It seemed an impossible boundary to breach.

Not so much anymore. Mormons are all over the ex-Soviet Union today. And as soon as it figures out how to make money while maintaining its non-capitalist contempt for us, China is next. I should be scared now, right?

Mostly I wish I had paid more attention to the talk. It would be nice to recall whether that whole "wards and stakes" in previously unheard-of places condition also included outer space.

Now that NASA has announced its intention to colonize Mars sometime in the next 30 years, will off-world wards and stakes also be a precursor to the Second Coming?

As it has been with every other outward migration in human history, once a toehold is established somewhere missionaries soon follow.

For example, if there are more than three dozen Mars colonists by 2050 you can bet somebody at LDS Church HQ will be trying to figure out how to get Mormon missionaries there.

A space church mission is a whole other can of bugs than one to a country we were willing to atomize in the interest of global peace.

For starters, there's the fact that it's a one-way trip. People signing up for the NASA mission know they'll never be coming home. So a missionary called to Mars would never get released.

I can't tell you how much this would suck. The only thing that got me through the 77 days I spent with Elder Lekker was knowing that it couldn't last forever.

It wouldn't get any better as human colonization spread. If sharing a miniscule apartment with someone whose ability to draw a level breath drives you crazy, imagine having to share an oxygen bottle with him 105 astronomical units from the mission home.

Then there are language barriers. If you got sent to the Quadrant Trotter, Belcher-4 Mission, how long do you think it would take to learn to bear your testimony in hisses and burps?

And what about baptizing converts who already live underwater, or in a sea of liquid methane?

Here's the worst part. In order to reach the Fletcher Spectrum, Wormhole A7 Mission in time to serve, your son or daughter would have to receive their mission call at the age of 18 months. Nineteen months for women, of course.

Although plenty of people are signing up for the completely secular NASA Mars mission, there's no way I would. First, because my wife wouldn't let me. Second, because I wouldn't want to leave my grandkids.

More importantly, I'm accident-prone. If there's a way to get hurt — and presumably there will be a lot of those on Mars — I'll find it.

Still, it might be worth the risk. Lately, I've been considering an important gospel question previously overlooked by the greatest religious minds in history.

Would a lazy, unrepentant, smart-mouth sinner get burned when Christ reclaims the world if — and this is important — that sinner wasn't actually on Earth at the time it happened?

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