This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

One of my great spiritual failings — and there are lots — is the complete inability to not carry gospel analogies to their full and logical end.

Referred to as parables in the New Testament, these gospel analogies typically only borrow the part of the comparison that suits their purpose. They ignore the rest of the story, which I often find just as informative.

For example, last Sunday in church I listened to a talk about missionary work, or the importance God places on the seeking out of lost souls. To emphasize this point, the speaker used the Parable of the Lost Sheep.

I think the idea was to illustrate how much a good shepherd loves and cares about his sheep, especially the lost ones. When he finds the ones who wander off, he is so happy that only good things happen. Right?

Jesus [Luke 15]: "What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbors, saying unto them, 'Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.'"

Me: "Whereupon they ate it."

Note: You might not want to ponder this out loud in church. Odds are it will be unappreciated by those seated nearby, as I'm sure it was last Sunday.

Where was I? Oh, yeah — shut up. Seriously, what do you think sheep are for? New Testament shepherds weren't running sheep rescue centers. Sheep were (and still are in the main) food. And sometimes sweaters.

The parable also brings up the question (to people like me anyway) of what happened to the other 99 wool-covered potatoes left unattended in the wilderness? Was it worth it to find the stupidest one if bears ate the rest? The Bible doesn't say.

Parables aren't nearly as bad as object lessons or props. We've had two in the past couple of weeks, including a guy dressing up as a firefighter in sacrament meeting, and someone else bringing football gear up to the stand.

I suppose this sort of thing helps reinforce some point for most, but for those of us with hyperactive imaginations they merely beg more questions. They inevitably shoot my mind off in another direction.

If turnout gear is the protection we need to rescue someone trapped in the fires of sin, what part of the firefighter analogy is getting a #@*& cat down from a tree?

The props are even less effective when you don't much care about the thing being used to make the point. Like football.

OK, if the team is the church, and the quarterback is the prophet, does that make Heavenly Father the coach or the owner?

More importantly, what about those stadium food vendors? Are they distracting thoughts prompted by Satan to deprive us of our worldly goods and keep our mind off the game/gospel? I'll bet they are.

Maybe the LDS Church was thinking specifically of at-risk souls like me when they sent around a letter in 2011 banning props from sacrament meeting talks.

Then again, maybe it's OK. After all, that football analogy worked. It certainly kept my mind on what I learned in church last week.

Mmm, cheerleaders…

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.