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The LDS Church is in the process of choosing a new apostle. It's a big deal for many Mormons. The new apostle could possibly be the president of the church someday — assuming he outlives all the other apostles.

For Mormons like me, it doesn't matter. I don't have any say in who it is, so I don't bother thinking about it.

Picking a new apostle/leader doesn't happen for us the way it does in other churches. For example, Catholics release white smoke from the Vatican when a new pope has been found.

The process varies from one religion to another. One faith may sacrifice a goat to mark the occasion. Other sects may dress their new leader in animal skin vestments, place a crown on his/her head, or simply shove a snake down his pants.

For Mormons, it's considerably less entertaining. In October General Conference, the new apostle will be announced in the least entertaining way possible. Takes all of about 30 seconds.

"Called to the Quorum of the Twelve is Elder Larry G. Erdmann, of Springville, Utah. We will now hear from Elder Erdmann, after which the choir will sing, 'Hark, Damnation is Nigh.' "

That's it, or something like that. The real work of choosing a new apostle is done behind closed doors. Potential candidates are discussed, prayed over, and on some occasions during the early church, lobbied for through a fistfight.

It's true. Buried deep in the archives of the church is an account of Brigham Young succeeding Joseph Smith as president of the church not by divine mandate, but rather because during the course of discussing the matter, President Young beat Sidney Rigdon unconscious with a spittoon.

Don't believe me? Fine. Go to the LDS Church archives and ask to see file #1844-SR-Young, Brigham, "revelations & miscellaneous" from the "Secret Church Stuff" collection. Tell them I sent you.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Assuming a new apostle has already been determined, it will remain a secret until October. It could be anyone, including me.

You don't know. I have many of the attributes required of someone being called to such a position. I'm a guy. I go to church every Sunday (except tomorrow when I'll be herding cows on Tavaputs), I own at least two neckties and I've never killed anybody that I know of.

That said, there are some things about me that would be considered contrary to what is expected of an apostle, the first of which is that I'm me.

Then there's the matter of my experience. I have never served in a serious church leadership position before. I currently labor in my ward as an animal control specialist (nursery).

Also, I am not financially secure enough to just drop what I'm doing and fly around the world on church assignments for the rest of my life. I'm hard pressed to get my home teaching done with the family that lives just across the street.

Finally, a huge — HUGE — drawback is that I'm a lampoonist. According to deep LDS doctrine, the serpent in the Garden of Eden was a lampoonist. Proof is that no lampoonist has ever been called as an LDS apostle.

So it's not me. On the other hand, maybe it's you. Hey, this is religion we're talking about. Screwier things have happened.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley. Find his past columns at http://www.sltrib.com/lifestyle/kirby.